New years resolutions

Its that time of year again when everyone makes some sort of resolution. There are so many things that I could resolve to to this year, but why accomplish or strain to do them all. I thought very long and hard about the resolutions for 2012, the one that sticks out the most? That would be to be happy.

So much I have done to make others happy and waited to satisfy my own needs, that I can't just sacrafice myself for others. It may be my nature but I can't just keep killing myself this way. I just spent the last 10 years waiting, I don't want to wait anymore. This year is a huge one for me. A finalized divorce, a cross country move and a new way to think of the world around me.

This move to Saint Loius is huge, my first time living out of the Seattle area. My mother isn't happy, but I know she wants me to be free. I will admit I am a little scared to move so far from home. But really in order to accomplish something big you need to take chances. And this is my chance. I can't wait to be here, a just settle down. I think that there is so much to accomplish that I know that it will be awkward at first. But I will manage.

So much the way I think is based on the future. I really hope that my love can keep up.

My list for 2012 is the following
~ Be happy. Things will get you down, but you have to pick yourself up and brush yourself off to just keep on going.
~ Eat healthy. Make good choices and walk. Try to only have a soda a day, drink more water, and coffee with non fat milk.
~ Don't wait on your dreams. In any case chase dreams when all possible.
~ Write more, and socialize when I can. Blogging and making myself be a little more outgoing. Exploring things that I have never done.

I don't want to make it long just achievable. I do know that this last year I did accomplish one, I have started on the path to happiness. Thank you for all my listening. Until next year! .

Home sweet home

There was a saying that was stuck in my head since I was making my decent into Saint Louis. "home is where your heart is." and truly right now my heart is here. Don't get me wrong I love Seattle and would not trade growing up there for anything. My mum is there, my brother and family. But I have found that this place it feels homey for me. A sense of calm and that things will just be alright.

I suppose it could be that I have someone to snuggle at night, or it could be that these two kidlets are so sweet, or even the way I am welcomed in with open arms. But whatever brings me here I am just happy. I just can't wait to be here longer than a week or two at a time. But as days go by, I realize that there is so much to do. Until the day, I will think and savor each day that I am here.

We spent Christmas with the kids at their mums house and it was a hard sleep but well worth seeing their faces light up when they unwrapped each gift. She got some Tinkerbell and he got some Legos. I got a lovely necklace from his son. I could have just melted. When we went to have our big Christmas at their grandparents house more toys and cute things.

The three days before Christmas were the same, a little thing here and a little thing there. New traditions, and a lot of old. I look forward to starting our own traditions in our house. A living Christmas tree, and stockings, even baking cookies for everyone. Now we are at the boyfriend's brother's house with the kids. We spend each day chilling out, and getting pretty much nothing accomplished. But that is ok, because we both took vacation.

I am not sure if I could have asked for a better bunch of people to be with, but certainly it has made me smile. Little steps in the right direction will make a smile last a lifetime. It's not about how fast you get there as long as you are happy on the way. The thing I have learned so far is that life isn't about a smooth road to travel but the end destination.... I think. Either way I am spending my holiday with people that care.

I Am Happy and Nothing You Can Do Can Change It

There are a lot of times where I second guess myself. I have done this so many times in my life. I second guess my baking. I second guess my troubleshooting. I second guessed my degree. I even second guessed my major life choices, Divorce and my move.

I keep telling myself that if it feels right then it /IS/ right. When there is no directions, you have to make your own map. That is what I did, I made my own map. I consulted a few friends, and even consulted a few cards. Once I left I didn't think of going back. I had lost all feelings I may have had.

I have done wrong in my life. I know that I may have hurt a few. However, I made the decision and I have to deal with it. I was wondering what story was being told... and now I have found out. I found out the hard way. Thankfully it was through other channels but still I knew the story and wish he wouldn't take this road.

I am young. I am stupid. and I may be blonde. But when I have people asking me if I am okay... EVERY SINGLE DAY... You tend to wonder. "Am I really okay?"

I wasn't okay. I wasn't all right. I am happy with my decision and that is that. Forgive me or not. I only want to be happy, and right now I am the happiest I have been in a very long while. Even in the long distance relationship, when I am with him, when I am talking with him, I smile, I laugh I giggle.

I love this feeling. It could be the Honeymooners syndrome of our relationship. But even with the two weeks we were still functioning normally, as if we had been living with each other for a year or more. It was nice.

Regardless, I am thankful that the story came out. I can at least brace myself for it next time. And even at that... I keep telling myself that My Cookie Monster will stand by my side just as my family will. Because right now... I am happy, and I don't wanna change it.

Yuletide and the Lunar Eclipse

As I wait for coffee to brew I thought to stop a moment to tell you a few things I learned today.

This morning was my second Lunar Eclipse that I actively seeked and wanted to take photos of. It was beautiful to see her starting to fade, like an entire month in just a few hours. But as I was darting in and out of the cold I decided that it was time to just bundle up and watch it.

As I got ready I turned on my first Yule tide song of the season. I enjoy the instrumental kind, and thankfully Pandora has a station for that. I bundled up in my new Yule Hello Kitty fleece pants, snowflake slipper socks, Hello Kitty Slippers, a light blue tank to match my pants, a Fleece jacket, a shawl my mother made me and my finger-less gloves. I took my phone and loaded the same Pandora station and out I went with camera in hand.

I got to the top of the stairs in search of Luna, and she was not to be found. Hidden behind clouds, and obstructed from view. I couldn't give up searching for her, I looked and walked across the property in search of her, but alas after nearly a half hour had gone past. The chill was settling in my cheeks, I decided after writing a note to my love I would call it a morning.

But during this time, my search for a Luna I took a few moments to look around. There were cars and no other person but I saw maybe two. Too early for everyone to be awake on a Saturday. The ice was upon the ground, and the beauty of how still it was. It hasn't snowed yet here. And though I hate traveling in it, and I hate being cold. I wouldn't miss that first snow for the world.

The amazement that you get out of white fluff falling from the sky. It's Breathtaking. I came here to tell you what I have discovered. Beyond the Holiday shopping, the Yuletide gifts, and the crazy frustrated people there is peace. There is beauty, and alas there is such gifts that you only get from nature. Take a moment a single moment to realize that even though the big businesses believe that Yule is about profits, and the gift giving, it really isn't about that. It is about the peace that you see, and the family you are around.

I am thankful for this Yule I will be experiencing something special. I will be flying out to visit my boyfriend and his family and kids family. I get to spend it with my own family. I just get to spend this time with people, that care about me as I care about them. I may get to see the beauty of snow upon the ground and watch his kids play in such. I look forward to this Yule, as I really expect wonderful things.

Thank you Lady Luna for your view today. I am sorry I missed you become dark but know that I look forward to you every eve with your sister stars. You m'lady are an amazement in itself. So please take this moment to just feel at home, and even take a moment to experience your loved ones. Blessed Be this Yuletide season.

How many days until Yule?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I realized I think Wednesday this week that I only have less than two weeks until Yule (well Christmas, Yule is LESS!) I talked to the boyfriend to find out the list yesterday to find out that I have to ship the Yule gifts to Missouri! I have about 7 families to provide baked goods for! SEVEN!

I could not believe that once again I procrastinated Yule. You can't bake that much in such a short amount of time! I mean I will do it because I care about giving people good yummy baked goods but I can't do as much as I normally do. I told the boyfriend that we must remember earlier like right after Thanksgiving to start my baking fest.

The holidays snuck up on both of us this year. Next thing I know it is Thanksgiving, and then My birthday. Then its Yule, then Christmas, then OMG 2012! (I kinda hope that Father Christmas gives me a paper shredder this year! )

Speaking of the Holidays, I am starting a new tradition this year. I am actually traveling this year. I in my now 28 years have never flown during the Holidays. Most of my family is here in Washington, and I just spend it with them. But this year, I am spending the Christmas Holiday with my Boyfriend's family. I hope that it will be special, and well with my time. I love the change and hope that it continues until I find my settle point.

I have now 7 days to finish at least 13 pumpkin breads, and a few dozen cookies per each type. This week will be a crazy one! I will try to post some pictures of my Yule Gifts!

It isn't GoodBye... It's See you in 3 weeks.

Two weeks fly when you are just so comfortable. I am not sure how to describe the past two weeks except than I felt complete for the first time since I moved out. We worked well, and truly enjoyed each others company. We even started our own new traditions. I just hope that we can keep them up each year.

It was nice to not have to worry about anything but work, and what was for dinner. Knowing and having someone to go home to every night, and kiss in the morning was divine. He got all thumbs up from everyone he met, and even joked around with Mama Kitty. Also to have someone to commute with in the Mornings and Evenings... that was very nice.

We got to go Karaoke, and spend a dinner with Mama Kitty and Dad, have a meal with my Little brother, and even cooked a turkey. Our first turkey by ourselves, it was NOM! Even celebrated my Birthday (which is coming quickly) every here and there. Birthday and Yule pressies, just I couldn't have asked for anything better. Oh and we can't forget the bubble snow that we experienced at Bell Square Mall.

But when you get to last night, there was nothing I could do but to cry. To have someone that you love and cherish with you for the time to have them go away again. I will say this is the hardest relationship I have been in. Not because of how we meld and work, it is mostly because even though we visit... it is the leaving each other that hurts the most.

I have to keep reminding myself it is only 18 days until I see him again, then once that visit is done I will have about 107 before we will meet again. But as he said last night, we have to take it one day at a time. Even though there is SO much to do, we will accomplish each in turn. Just knowing that I have only one of these painful days left it is truly something to look forward to.

A Weekend Away

It's been a week since he has arrived into town. It has been nothing but a wonder. The time we have spent together and even the time away. We met my grandparents, which they gave the approval of him, and even the cat agreed. It has gone by so fast, I dread next week for sure. But regardless, so far it has been slow and very eventful. He even has a distaste for Seattle traffic, (at least we have carpool lanes)

But even with the hustle and bustle of the past week, this weekend we had to step out of our traditional Thanksgiving, which usually we spent with a large family around us, to a small town of Sequim. It was just wonderful to slow down for once. With the week prior being so hectic with him coming into town, and the week of work, it was refreshing. Not once did we feel rushed or even had a hurry to go anywhere.

We drove up on Thanksgiving day and spent it with his mom and grandmother at a small little restaurant. We had a simple Turkey dinner, and it just was nice to have the quiet. Small talk to warm myself up with them... I could not have asked for a better holiday.

Going to sleep that night in a small hotel. I have to say this place definitely had its quirks, but in the end it was better than sleeping on the couch at mom's house. A few bugs, requesting items from the office, and we will leave it as we had an adventure!

Each day we were in town we had tackled a town, Port Angeles the first and Sequim the second. The day we went to Port Angeles, we decided to go to the mountains. It is the picture that you see above. It was freezing but breathtaking. The moments we had there were just the start to our weekend. Sinking into the snow, and the cold time afterwards. I was glad that we had our snow boots on. Although next time, Warmer jackets may be needed.

After that though, we went window shopping. Very little men love this, but I think I am lucky that he and I both love doing it. We even had a book follow us, something about zen and motorcycle repair. It was like we just were having an easy laid back weekend, almost as if we were residents.

The same happened for Sequim, we just window shopped pointing out things we wanted for our own home. On the way home we even just reminisced about how this weekend just felt like another day in our life. Not a vacation, but instead just like a normal Saturday. I look forward to next week, we meet my mum and dad, and little brother. We also celebrate my Birthday. It will be exciting and yet another sign that this just feels right.

Day in the Life...

So the first wait is nearly coming to a close.... Each day is one less, and I look forward to not being truly alone. But the question comes, am I truly alone in this apartment? Not really, it only seems like it. I spend very little time here, it is a place for me to lay my head at night. However, this is the next logical step.

I am someone that when I get excited I talk, and the question I often get is "Are you taking those two weeks off?" Now if I haven't said here, or if you don't know me directly you don't know what is going on. So let me back up. Right Now, there are 3 very special days coming. Other than my birthday, and other crazy days. My Boyfriend coming to town, Me going to Saint Louis, Missouri/ somewhere in Iowa (okay so I was corrected) for the holidays, and my "Hopeful" final move across the country to Saint Louis, Missouri.

As the days get close to all three I will most likely talk about them. So today's topic, "Him coming here for two weeks".

So to answer the question above, "Am I taking off those two weeks he is here?" The answer is No. This experience is going to be really a "Day in the life of Kitty" The one down thing about a long distance relationship is all you know is the communication that you have via your media options. Our cell phone usage, our EverQuest 2 voice chat conversations, Twitter, Texting, Skypeing, and even G-Chatting. But realistically you just don't know how everyone is unless you just stay with them.

I was told by a good friend of mine that the best time frame for you to tell if you can be with someone was two weeks. Getting over the first week, sub-conscious perfection that you impose because you are trying to impress someone. The second week you can truly understand and see the things that someone does. You can find the small things that you just can't live with or without.

Though I often wonder, will these two weeks be really a good show of our day to day lives? I certainly hope so. I really hope that the apartment will be warm, the bed will be comfortable enough for him, and even my sad excuse of cooking expertise will be acceptable. I worry, (another little thing about me) about everything.

I spent two weeks with him in April. It was different, and I was very shy. I didn't do some things because I felt I was being watched. Not by him, but by others. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every moment of it. I loved being with him, his kids, and just how we got out to see things. I just couldn't feel 100% comfortable, and to be rightly honest it was not going to be how it really is in the future. We are not going to have the "In-laws" living with us. As much as I would appreciate the thought, my way of life does not promote having someone of that nature in my house for more than a few days.

However with his coming here, there is much we want to accomplish in these two weeks. Meeting my grandparents, the little brother, the parents (two separate meetings), seeing his mom, and even just walking down the street holding hands. I don't think it will be... I don't think that this will be a true "Day in the life" because I am not really this exciting. But I want him to meet everyone that I care about, because they matter to me.

I want to make these two weeks count, because if we can do this, the next test may just prove to be a little harder. Two kids, a car and a road trip. I really look forward to it. I really do... Right now though, I just can't wait to kiss his lips and collect my cuddles.

To Be or Not To Be...

I am quickly learning that it does not pay to be a "Superwoman" every day. You become tired, and worn out and more zombie like as time passes. Knowing this I have to make some huge changes, and decisions based upon the time I have.

So first of all, I RP on EverQuest 2. One of my toons (my main toon for that matter) is currently RPly married to another. For those whom don't know the world of "RP" or also known as Role Play, basically we play a Gnome, and a Ratonga whom have been married. I have a person whom is my partner in game, and we just have fun with the story line. However, the one down side.... He lives on the East coast. I (right now anyways) am currently living on the West coast.... (man this is starting to sound like a love story gone awry) Regardless, he works, and is offline by 9pm EDT which happens to be approximately 6pm PDT (you notice something).

Yeah, it was talked about, it would have to be done during the weekends, which is fine but I am also planning on moving in now 5 months. I am trying to also spend time with my family, and the few friends that decide to come out of the wood work. So of course that is an issue just as well.

I am also trying to make time for My boyfriend because we are in a long distance relationship, it is very important to me that I talk to him often. I miss him very much every day. During the week, my commute and my work schedule puts me out of the house for about 13 hours a day. With me going to bed about 10pm PDT, I am just exhausted by the end of the week. Spend two days resting to go do it all over again.

This is just nuts! I mean I am only one person, and where is the phrase "Real Life takes precedence" Where is this "It's okay we will be here..." or "We still miss you." Gods... I tell myself that I miss me! I am just sitting here thinking... on a daily basis on what I want to do... what I need to do.. and what factions to grind.

I know that I go by the phrase "Rest is for the wicked" But DAMN, I was not expecting all of this. As I old my RP partner this week, I can't guarantee anything until April, May. I don't want to hold up your story for that long... but we need to figure out something. We have to figure out a way that we can build the toons and not have to worry about a freaking time zone.

I suppose we will figure it out.. until then... Myself, my Cat, my Boyfriend, and My Job come first. This Superwoman is focusing on the real world. My 40 hours in EQ2 is pretty much over... Until of course I get settled in the new place. But even that can't be guaranteed. I just keep counting, 169 days.

Expectations

Expectation
noun

1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

I am in transition, this state of constant motion. A moving target if you will. I have been trying for nearly a month to settle myself. But going from having a car to bus travel, has been very, very difficult.

I expect that I will be settled by the time that I am just about ready to move again. (Yes, I did say Move again) I am out of my house for a total of 13 hours right now. I barely have enough time to pet, feed and water the cat every day let alone my own Need to do list. I am exhausted beyond belief because I am trying to over extend myself. I know this and I know I need to stop.

I also appreciate people telling me every chance they get that they miss me. I miss you too... believe me when I tell you that I have been wanting to be home earlier but there is just only so much you can do. You say, "Hey, Lets get together sometime. How about (insert day here)?" I have this expectation that this date is okay with you, and you have this scheduled aside.

But when I am here, and you are not, or have other plans it really hurts. I have taken the effort to be there, to actually get myself ready... and to be stood up, or dismissed. Ouch dude... just ouch. Or the backhanded comment of "I didn't expect you to show up?"

Am I not that trustworthy to you? Do you not believe that I keep my promises or apologize profusely because I can't make it because my eyes burn like the sun, and I am falling asleep while standing?

I have standards now. I have expectations. I have a Life now. I may have been able to spend a lot of time with everyone, but now... I barely have time to spend with my Boyfriend. (Again, yes I did say boyfriend) Where do you come in this list? You are not dead last, but you are below the most important things, Myself and then the boyfriend, then you.

Please be patient as I wait for my normal day to day life to continue to struggle to find my norm. Please excuse my abrupt, and absent ways. I am not the woman I used to be. I am now fighting to find my own self. I am fighting to keep my head above the emotional sea of change. I know that I have a ton of support from everyone that I touch. But I can't be everywhere at once.

I love you all... but damn it let me figure this out... and if this means I need to get off the radar then I will. Because I am self empowering, and I want to get to next month, and beyond.

The Small Things Count

In so many cases in any relationship the small things count. In a discussion I had I realized just that. The simple hug, the simple phone call on the way home to ask "I'm on my way home. What's for dinner?" or even the simple "Honey can you pick up some milk on the way home?"

In a short distance relationship, it is hard to remember to do these little things. It is hard to see those little things, and understand the importance to you. They are just the every day things that you do for one another.

In a long distance relationship, you start to crave these little things. A kiss on the lips, and the cuddle in bed. The simple brush of the bangs and kiss on the nose telling you it's gonna be OK. You are now seeing the importance to you.

Being in the long distance relationship I am in I find that by nature alone I do this. I text him saying "Yay! On my way home!" But there is no bitter sweet end to this, because when I open the door he is not there. It is quiet. I realize once again, he is only on my phone, or the internet, or my game of choice.

They say that you don't realize you had/have a good thing until it is taken from you. I am seeing this, and it has taken a lot to get used to. However I am adjusting slowly. I count the days... diligently.

Mind you a long distance relationship is a lot about patience, and communication. And both of us have this and a whole lot of trust. I just know that we have to remember the little things. Internet hugs, phone kisses, the text at 3 in the morning saying that you were thinking about them, and even the heartfelt email with a small poem in it when you can't sleep. It is those small things that keep you going.

Stepping out of the Box

I realize now that I am some what of a sort of Single but damn I am already seeing a trend... a kind of bad one to be bluntly honest. My eating habits are definitely not what I want them to be.

My goal really is to be healthy, and to be happy. Now I have someone whom will help me.. only problem is that he is over 2,000 miles away right now. In 6 months, we will be able to work on this but until then my bus commute will help.

But in order for me to be healthy and happy I need to start to eat that way. So back to this trend, I found these box dinners. They don't have MSG, or any thing that could be considered "Bad".. but it is BOXED. Believe me when I say, I don't mind it. But one thing that I need to learn is how to cook "Outside" the box.

It is hard to find something that is quick and yummy, perferably within season. I tend for the easy route, but know that my future is not quick. I most of the time have no initiative on this because I am just cooking for myself. Why good a meal that you would put on a table for a family for just you?

So I propose for myself at least two nights where I learn to cook something "Different" and Healthy. Now to pick those days and figure out WHAT I want to cook. I need to try kid friendly and adult friendly too! Any suggestions?

The Power of the Hug- Week 3

In my 20 plus years I have experienced, I have not once had so many days together coming home to an empty house. Its been two weeks going on three, and this adjustment has been rough. The last few days I have been going home a little down. It is sooo hard to admit that I may have been dependent upon that human interaction when I walked in that door.

It makes me wonder how people can do it everyday. Come home to quiet (save my case my cat meowing at me.) No one to hug hello, or tell of your day while cooking dinner. I mean I see the ups of this "Single life". There's no explaining where you where, or why you are late. You can have what you want for dinner, and play games until you know you HAVE to go to bed.

But I think that because I was raised by a mom that believed in hugs as medicine is why this is so important to me. You have a bad day? Mom was there to say "Oh here is a hug it will be OK just tell me about it." You are sick? "Well lets give you a hug, and some medicine to help make you better." I guess not getting the loving hold after a long day is really missed. that human touch is necessary, I believe, to being a normal functioning part of society (or at least for me).

How have I coped? So far I have logged into EQ2 and push people away. Some try their best to inquire and I have just physically and emotionally pushed them away. However there is one whom regardless of the antisocial temperament, he has yet to let me go to sleep in this Anti-social state. The discussions we have a foundation of our growing relationship. Most of the credit goes to him; there are those whom try their best but don't know how they can help from so far away.

I have learned that it is so hard knowing that you have so many friends so far away. I have friends from the UK, to Maryland, to Pennsylvania, to Texas, to Missouri. That feeling of just wanting to go over to their house and just give them a hug, to not only re-assure them but to re-assure me never goes away. Connecting through my game of choice EQ2, it has made things even more difficult, because they are those who live far away.

In short, I am taking one day at a time, and just planning my future. Looking for the day in November where I can come home to someone to hug and kiss. To having a conversation at night before I close my eyes and feeling them against me, my safety. It will be sublime bliss... even if it is for two weeks.

Week two- Learning the Bus Route.

It's been two weeks in the apartment. All I can say, it is definitely a change. I went from having 2 other people in the house, to just little old me. There has been a lot of trial and error, and a lot of learning experiences.

Because the car fell through, and it wasn't something I could afford for the next Six months I decided (with help of course) to start riding the bus. It is great because Seattle has a wonderful Bus system. However, It required my schedule to be changed... a little. I used to be in work by 5am, getting out about 1:30pm. It was great because I could take the car and just be there and back only traffic at home holding me back. Also allowed the ex to take the car for his own errands.

When I told my manager I was moving out on my own, she said that she can work magic and boy did she ever. The first week I was driven, to allow me to get myself settled and ready to move on. I found the route and said the earliest I could get in was 7am. She waved her magic wand and the powers that be said "You shall be granted this schedule"

I never took this route, and routes were going to change as it was the seasonal change. That Monday, I showed up to work a half hour late. All because one bus broke down. I HATE being late. But that aside, after that moment I worked my own bus knowledge and was able to finagle a route that gets me there about 45 mins early! I love being bus savvy. Maybe I will have to work the same magic for when I move to Saint Louis, Missouri.

Either way, learning to survive on my own... it has been difficult but in some ways fun. Learning that I have a (to me) huge hill that I have to climb every night on the way home. Choosing my way home, and picking the right route to get me to the grocery store, (that was a very long day). Even finding the best way to move with the lovely Bus Pass I got for myself.

Being the Sunday before our Week Three if I can make this month, I have no worry about the rest of the 5 months. Many blessings to all those read...

Weird Al and the FTA Policy

Another crazy week, but I know they will continue to come hot and fast. Each with it's own challenges. As we still pack and move things into storage and get everything handled.

Although, one of my treats this week was Weird Al. My Friend Pat was going to take me to the Puyallup Fair this year, (it will most likely be one of my last) and go to see him in concert. It was my very first concert, ever. I will say this will not be my last concert. He was amazing, unlike some artists, almost every song was a costume change.

I still haven't heard on the studio yet, I have been waiting. They said that the problem is that we are waiting on the housing part of the background check to come back. She called the last few days and gave me the number to the Landlord Protection Services. I called them and inquired what the hell was going on... It is nearly the end of the Month! I couldn't wait any longer. Their response was that they were waiting for the current apartment complex. They hadn't responded yet!

I ... Was... Pissed... I could not believe that nearly a business WEEK.. and they hadn't replied. I thanked the lady and stated that I would speak to them immediately. I drove home, as I was currently at the storage unit unloading some of my belongings, and promptly stopped at the office.

I will say I am very civil when it comes to how things are handled, but I lose my tact. I walked in and said that I have a very urgent issue that I needed this person to complete. She informed me that she was only there to take questions, and that she was a temp. My response to her was that she was just a pretty face, and that I understood.. but I need you to contact whomever can call this Landlord Protection Services to give them the all clear.

Within a matter of minutes it was completed. I can only hope that everything was just done. and I will hear from them soon... Or I will have to find a couch..

So regardless of my FTA policy, I had an okay week.... Next week.. moving week (I hope)! Wish me luck

Reflection: September 11, 2001

Today is the day ten years ago that changed the United States forever. And I remember it as best I do the things that hurt me.

I was just on my way into my Senior year of High school when the first tower fell. I had PE... I didn't even hear anything about it during that class. I had finished that class, and gone to my Current Events class. I walked into the door and saw the TV on for the first time that day.

It was chaos... it seemed like the entire room just froze. I had watched the second fall, from the television, not knowing what to think or to feel. It was devistating... to hear, to see to just feel.

A little known fact about me, I don't tell many often but I am an Empath. I will take a photo, or a person close to me, and feel the feelings that are there. I am effected by very emotional things. The tv never turned off that day... Every class that had a TV it was on, even just softly in the background. I felt that pain, I felt that horror, I could not stop being effected by it.

I watched that day for about 12-14 hours, the horror, the pain, the shock, the power that came from that moment. To see it fall over and over again.. it was not the best int he world. I only watched this for so long because I didn't have anything else to watch that day... as this had impacted the entire country.

Believe me when I say I will never forget... and Truly hope that you will not either. A lot of innocent died, but then not nearly as much as there could have been. Quite a few people called out sick that day. I just hope that something like this never happens again in my life time. Because I don't think I could handle another 12-14 hour exposure to that much pain.

Blessed be to those whom were effected.

Denied, Accepted, Holding Breath...

This week has been one of the most up and down weeks so far in this whole ordeal. I suppose lets start out at the beginning of the week. I wrote a post in haste... and it may never see the light of day. I found out on Tuesday that my first apartment application was denied.

I will not lie... I felt defeated ... Like a train has hit me full force and had kept on going. It wasn't every day that you were denied for something this life impacting. But I was, just devistated... I sat on the floor in my bedroom, crying for hours.

I will admit that I had no hope at that point, but after talking to an EQ2 friend, and to the boyfriend... I felt like there was hope. I knew that there was going to be bumps in the road. That there was something for me out there. I just knew that this was a test of my resolve. I knew that I had to find out why... and I sent in a fax stating I wanted to know why... but it would take 3-4 days.

I looked around and pulled up some apartment complexes and found one that would suit my needs. I went out the next day and looked at it. This place was old, and you could tell. The doors were hard to open and close. The upstairs walkway looked like it had seen better days. The neighborhood, didn't look as good.. but it had great views.

I said I need to apply for something... and so I did. I took the application home, filled it out and came back the very next day. I had asked how much it would be to move in.... It was about $1045. That for me is a lot of money. Especially when you live paycheck to paycheck. I applied anyways. 24 hours later, I called... She said she didn't know but she would check her email.

I held my breath... to find out that I was accepted.. however there was a catch. I had to pay about $150 more for a deposit. I was just shocked.. but understood. I just didn't know WHERE I was going to find the money.

Then I looked at the denial... and the reason why... I was a newb. I should have waited for myself to actually PAY rent before applying to a new apartment. So I called the first place back, and plead my case. She was going to talk to the people who denied me, (credit check peoples) and get the landlord part revised... then email her boss.

Now I still have two places... one I could spend nearly everything I make just to get in the door... or.. I hold my breath for the first place. I have to admit I am scared... but I need to hold my breath. I will be much happier with the first place then the second. The quality of living is better... even if it is just for 6 months.

Though I did get a storage unit for my belongings... Thanks to my mum. So at least my things are going out of the house. So here is to the power of prayer... I just hope I get the first place.

Waiting Games

I turned in my application on Wednesday for my new apartment. She said it will be about 24 hours to 72 hours before it comes back. I HATE this wait, because everything is on this one application. And did I ever say that I test horrible? (not the same sort of test.. but still the worry is there)

Many tell me that I have nothing to worry about. But I do .... I should distract myself by packing. The one thing that I am dreading the most. I have no room to pack with. Clearly not enough boxes to pack with and surely not enough time! But on the bright side, come this week I will have space. Guaranteed space! Mom's are awesome because of that. I already was told ONCE that it was going to be a struggle. My plan packing 3-4 times a week for a few hours, and only worry about my OWN stuff. Because it is just me and my cat now.

However, as Washington state law says we have to give 20 days notice to vacate, we signed the intent to leave and turned in! This is such a relief and a wonderful feeling. To know that it is official, and to know that you can't turn back now. You signed a paper that says, "I am leaving". I am just glad that one piece of the puzzle as fallen into place. Now for the rest to fall in line.

So much change but so much waiting... I suppose the phrase is true "Good things come to those who wait." Now for the waits

Of Video Games, Cupcakes and Free Stuff

Video Games, I love them and enjoy spending my time playing. This is my way to de-stress, and speak to not only my loved one, but my support network. But when things like major updates get pushed through that break things, I get frustrated.

We just had a major update last Thursday in EverQuest 2 (EQ2) and well lets just say we as a community have not been happy. Everything from Hats that are marked as Footwear, and Cloaks that are marked as pants to being Locked out of guild halls it is just a huge mess. I have been bearing with the constant AA respecs, and guild hall bugs. I seriously hope that come expansion day in November it will all be fixed, and the expansion itself is not laced with as my loved one says, "Show-Stopping" bugs like the guild hall bug.

That games aside I have decided that you know I can't just dwell but they need to know. Regardless I over the weekend had the great urge to bake. I have always had to stifle my urges to bake during the summer, because of heat issues and the now ex. Also depression had kicked in over drive and just have not felt the urge to.

But this last weekend I just said you know what Fuck it, I am gonna bake. And I did.. a full batch of Chocolate cupcakes, and some homemade frosting. I mean the cupcakes didn't turn out, as my KitchenAid has been broken, but I still did my best and made them. I also dislike store bought frosting and always make my own. A little milk and some sugar and vanilla, Voila frosting!

However, this cupcake story has a crappy ending as I was told that "because the frosting was made with milk it had spoiled when I left them out over the night". To that I said you know what, to be brutally honest, my recipe stated nothing of the sort. But if you feel the need to toss them fine. They proceeded to then do some research, and I had thrown them out for their non word of being spoiled. They had asked a friend whom doesn't have a lot of experience but I suppose they trusted her more then I and she said they are fine.

Fifteen Minutes after they were in the trash they tell me such. I decided until Moving day is complete, I will not bake in this house. At all. I am tired of such assumptions that I don't know what I am doing. I want to be a baker, and I know about something. I am never afraid to admit I am wrong but, seriously. I could be over-reacting but to finally be wanting to make something, and to have it be said oh.. it is spoiled because you didn't put them away. Just done.

As you all know I am moving and will have very little to take with me. I was worrying about where I was going to sleep, be it the floor or a borrowed Air bed that my brother would lend me. My high school friend said "Hey come over here this weekend and meet your new apartment. The person in your new apartment is having a house sale. Most of it is free!" I said hey why not lets go, I have maybe $20 to spend lets see what we can find. I had bought a Bed, Microwave and Microwave stand for $15.00 that day. She also said she was leaving a plant outside for me to!

I heard word from the same friend today, the one whom has referred me to the apartments; He said that the previous tenant left me more things for my move in. A Vacuum and a light! This makes me so very happy because it was not more than a few days ago I was telling my loved one that I was not going to not have one in my new place. (I have lived far too long with out one)

I can't thank this person enough; It is nice to to be receiving things when I am in a small need of a light that isn't an oncoming train. I will have to remember when I move again to pay it forward for the next person. It is moments like today that make me realize that even through all the frustrations, there is someone whom can make you smile.

Worries, and Realizations

Well another week down and only a few more days before the application goes into the new apartment. I am kinda scared but ready. It is very scary putting all of your eggs in one basket as I have. But I have faith that the Goddess will provide for me.

I look at my house right now, and just think that there is so much to still to do in the way of packing. I have a lot of things to move around, and no where to put it. I have for the past 3 years at least, have not had a "clean" house, with boxes everywhere. I am just ready to get this party started and purge a lot. Two waves of purging, lets rock!

Although, Yesterday I had a realization after reading a twitter message that asked: "Have you hugged someone today?" I had not hugged anyone in a few weeks. The last hug I got was from a friend whom has helped me find the place I am going to. This... this is new to me.

I am not used to not getting the loving touch every day. The hug, the kiss, the gentle caress that having someone that cares for you around gives you. I spoke to my special someone last night, and the conversation was genuine and I understood it. It is going to be hard, but I have to thrive for tomorrow.

It may not be easy but it is doable. The one thing I must have is patience, and know that it will end soon and it will be a lot easier when I am not so far away. But still my question is does the pain of not having someone not close by to just comfort you in times of need really go away? Does this want to be in someone's lap ever die when after so long you wish for it to be so?

I really do hope that after all is said and done... it gets just a little easier. I don't want to be dead, or emotionless, but I don't want to hurt. I just know that my cell phone, EQ2, G-chat, and Skype will help me get through the hard parts. I have faith that everything will work out it has to.

A new direction

I have to admit that the last few months have been nothing but reflection, understanding and action There is a lot that has gone on since my last post. I suppose I should catch you up.

January, I said that I had a plane ticket. I did, I went to see a good friend who has become something more to me. I told the spouse that I was going to live in Missouri for two weeks come April. There was nothing stopping me I was going, I needed a break and I needed to see someone whom I knew I cared for deeply.

The lease came up in March just like I had stated before, I couldn't afford to leave then because I was still unsure. I still didn't know if this was the right thing to do. I had to get out and think, feel my options and really know how it is to live for awhile. I signed another 6 month lease.

The days quickly counted down, the question came up many times, "Are you coming back?" What did they mean, I was pulling away. How can you not think I was, I was hurt, and neglected. Regardless, April came and I was on a plane to Missouri. Just me. Two weeks of me, him, his two beautiful kids and his ex's family. It was definitely a change of pace.

We saw a few sites, played a little of my online game EverQuest 2, and even had a few wonderful dates. Learned that even though I have lived in Washington my entire life, the two weeks in Missouri made me feel at home. I met a lot of people in Saint Louis, a lot of his friends; all welcoming and inviting. Even celebrated Easter together. As those two weeks flew past, I got compliments from my online friends, that you seem relaxed, and "your old self again" comments. I questioned, "Was I not "me" back at home?"

I regretfully flew back home three days after the Good Friday Tornado hit the Airport. (We think it was a sign saying I should have stayed.) I could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking, why am I not here. I was happy, I was alive again. I then thought of the time I spend at home, every day my routine: Wake up, go to work, come home, Play EQ2 and go to bed. That's it every day, and I just feel like I have been trapped.

I got home, that night and my spouse had asked me how my trip was. I was short and stated that I had fun. It was that night I made my soft decision, I needed out. I was tired of being tied down, supporting two people. One of which in his own right should be at least helping in so many ways, and being able to just not let me be the only one being able to pay rent every month.

I was kept up until "Oh gods" late and then was to be to work the next morning at 5 am. It was a few more days after that, that the decision became my "Final answer". I told him I couldn't do this. I cared for him, but I can't say that "I love you" anymore.

I have tried to fix the issues we have, I have tried to help you find a job that you just can't seem to find. And to be honest, he couldn't please me the way that I needed or was used to. I was always taking what my mother has always taught me, "Some day it will get better" But it has been 10 years, and sadly it never got better. It was the same, it was me supporting him and a family member. It was me ensuring that he remembered things, it was always late bills, and threats of disconnections.

I was tired of it. I told him that once this lease was up, I was moving out. On my own. To learn about ME. To learn that I can take care of myself, and make ME a better person. I will give you a legal separation for 6 months, and we will take it from there. I am not optimistic of his change. And even if he does change, I just don't think it will be enough. I think that this experience has made me realize that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me, and have someone to share those moments with.

It is difficult now being August and tomorrow being about 30 days until I am signing a new lease on my own studio apartment. The guilt I feel, the support I am getting, and the stress that everything will be okay; it is daunting, absolutely daunting.

My new direction has a lot more to go, but I do know that I will make it. And even better, I have a plan to make it happen. I will be living life for me not for anyone else. I just hope that a special someone will share that with me.

Friends Indeed

So yesterday and the day before I decided to update a few friends on the current situation. Their response was none to surprising. "How do you feel about that?" "Is that really going to solve anything?" "Do you really love him?" All very good questions in my book.

I told them the same I tell everyone, what I told the spouse in the first place, "I can't tell you I love you any more.", "I have a plane ticket with my name on it right now, I can just leave at any point" "The only thing keeping me here is responsibility."

It also did not surprise me when they told me that if I am unhappy, then just leave. You have nothing keeping you there. You have the option to just pick up your stuff and just go out the door. But to they really know how hard that is to just pick up and leave, when you know you have more than just one person depending on you?

I have two I support, and I don't have a job in Missouri, I don't have the ability to keep sending them the money to pay rent, plus I am on the lease. Okay sure, the lease ends in March, but still I can't afford to move.

My friends observation, "I foresee you staying" I don't know what I want why is it so frackin hard to make a single decision. WHY?!?

A new year a new me?

I guess for the longest time I have been living a lie. A lie that you can't get away from, yourself. I have struggled for many a months, years, days and nights to find myself. I ask the question often to myself and to others, who am I ? What makes me well me? You never thought that by not being alone for a few weeks, years is important in finding your identity.

This new year, I plan on finding myself, what I want, what I need as a person. I can say right now, what I want in life, is to be happy. Be it poly, or be it leaving my current life to find something more fulfilling I just want to be happy. I am tired of having friends ask me in game, "are you okay?" As if something isn't right. Well they are intuitive and they know that there is something wrong.

Plans for the year 2011, make my final decision, start to better myself health wise, find out who I am , spiritually and personally, and lastly be happy. I have a lot to look forward to, building a new relationship, trying to repair what I have, and the possibility to move to a new state.

Here is to a new year of positive changes, and discovery.