Expectations

Expectation
noun

1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

I am in transition, this state of constant motion. A moving target if you will. I have been trying for nearly a month to settle myself. But going from having a car to bus travel, has been very, very difficult.

I expect that I will be settled by the time that I am just about ready to move again. (Yes, I did say Move again) I am out of my house for a total of 13 hours right now. I barely have enough time to pet, feed and water the cat every day let alone my own Need to do list. I am exhausted beyond belief because I am trying to over extend myself. I know this and I know I need to stop.

I also appreciate people telling me every chance they get that they miss me. I miss you too... believe me when I tell you that I have been wanting to be home earlier but there is just only so much you can do. You say, "Hey, Lets get together sometime. How about (insert day here)?" I have this expectation that this date is okay with you, and you have this scheduled aside.

But when I am here, and you are not, or have other plans it really hurts. I have taken the effort to be there, to actually get myself ready... and to be stood up, or dismissed. Ouch dude... just ouch. Or the backhanded comment of "I didn't expect you to show up?"

Am I not that trustworthy to you? Do you not believe that I keep my promises or apologize profusely because I can't make it because my eyes burn like the sun, and I am falling asleep while standing?

I have standards now. I have expectations. I have a Life now. I may have been able to spend a lot of time with everyone, but now... I barely have time to spend with my Boyfriend. (Again, yes I did say boyfriend) Where do you come in this list? You are not dead last, but you are below the most important things, Myself and then the boyfriend, then you.

Please be patient as I wait for my normal day to day life to continue to struggle to find my norm. Please excuse my abrupt, and absent ways. I am not the woman I used to be. I am now fighting to find my own self. I am fighting to keep my head above the emotional sea of change. I know that I have a ton of support from everyone that I touch. But I can't be everywhere at once.

I love you all... but damn it let me figure this out... and if this means I need to get off the radar then I will. Because I am self empowering, and I want to get to next month, and beyond.