To Be or Not To Be...

I am quickly learning that it does not pay to be a "Superwoman" every day. You become tired, and worn out and more zombie like as time passes. Knowing this I have to make some huge changes, and decisions based upon the time I have.

So first of all, I RP on EverQuest 2. One of my toons (my main toon for that matter) is currently RPly married to another. For those whom don't know the world of "RP" or also known as Role Play, basically we play a Gnome, and a Ratonga whom have been married. I have a person whom is my partner in game, and we just have fun with the story line. However, the one down side.... He lives on the East coast. I (right now anyways) am currently living on the West coast.... (man this is starting to sound like a love story gone awry) Regardless, he works, and is offline by 9pm EDT which happens to be approximately 6pm PDT (you notice something).

Yeah, it was talked about, it would have to be done during the weekends, which is fine but I am also planning on moving in now 5 months. I am trying to also spend time with my family, and the few friends that decide to come out of the wood work. So of course that is an issue just as well.

I am also trying to make time for My boyfriend because we are in a long distance relationship, it is very important to me that I talk to him often. I miss him very much every day. During the week, my commute and my work schedule puts me out of the house for about 13 hours a day. With me going to bed about 10pm PDT, I am just exhausted by the end of the week. Spend two days resting to go do it all over again.

This is just nuts! I mean I am only one person, and where is the phrase "Real Life takes precedence" Where is this "It's okay we will be here..." or "We still miss you." Gods... I tell myself that I miss me! I am just sitting here thinking... on a daily basis on what I want to do... what I need to do.. and what factions to grind.

I know that I go by the phrase "Rest is for the wicked" But DAMN, I was not expecting all of this. As I old my RP partner this week, I can't guarantee anything until April, May. I don't want to hold up your story for that long... but we need to figure out something. We have to figure out a way that we can build the toons and not have to worry about a freaking time zone.

I suppose we will figure it out.. until then... Myself, my Cat, my Boyfriend, and My Job come first. This Superwoman is focusing on the real world. My 40 hours in EQ2 is pretty much over... Until of course I get settled in the new place. But even that can't be guaranteed. I just keep counting, 169 days.

Expectations

Expectation
noun

1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

I am in transition, this state of constant motion. A moving target if you will. I have been trying for nearly a month to settle myself. But going from having a car to bus travel, has been very, very difficult.

I expect that I will be settled by the time that I am just about ready to move again. (Yes, I did say Move again) I am out of my house for a total of 13 hours right now. I barely have enough time to pet, feed and water the cat every day let alone my own Need to do list. I am exhausted beyond belief because I am trying to over extend myself. I know this and I know I need to stop.

I also appreciate people telling me every chance they get that they miss me. I miss you too... believe me when I tell you that I have been wanting to be home earlier but there is just only so much you can do. You say, "Hey, Lets get together sometime. How about (insert day here)?" I have this expectation that this date is okay with you, and you have this scheduled aside.

But when I am here, and you are not, or have other plans it really hurts. I have taken the effort to be there, to actually get myself ready... and to be stood up, or dismissed. Ouch dude... just ouch. Or the backhanded comment of "I didn't expect you to show up?"

Am I not that trustworthy to you? Do you not believe that I keep my promises or apologize profusely because I can't make it because my eyes burn like the sun, and I am falling asleep while standing?

I have standards now. I have expectations. I have a Life now. I may have been able to spend a lot of time with everyone, but now... I barely have time to spend with my Boyfriend. (Again, yes I did say boyfriend) Where do you come in this list? You are not dead last, but you are below the most important things, Myself and then the boyfriend, then you.

Please be patient as I wait for my normal day to day life to continue to struggle to find my norm. Please excuse my abrupt, and absent ways. I am not the woman I used to be. I am now fighting to find my own self. I am fighting to keep my head above the emotional sea of change. I know that I have a ton of support from everyone that I touch. But I can't be everywhere at once.

I love you all... but damn it let me figure this out... and if this means I need to get off the radar then I will. Because I am self empowering, and I want to get to next month, and beyond.

The Power of the Hug- Week 3

In my 20 plus years I have experienced, I have not once had so many days together coming home to an empty house. Its been two weeks going on three, and this adjustment has been rough. The last few days I have been going home a little down. It is sooo hard to admit that I may have been dependent upon that human interaction when I walked in that door.

It makes me wonder how people can do it everyday. Come home to quiet (save my case my cat meowing at me.) No one to hug hello, or tell of your day while cooking dinner. I mean I see the ups of this "Single life". There's no explaining where you where, or why you are late. You can have what you want for dinner, and play games until you know you HAVE to go to bed.

But I think that because I was raised by a mom that believed in hugs as medicine is why this is so important to me. You have a bad day? Mom was there to say "Oh here is a hug it will be OK just tell me about it." You are sick? "Well lets give you a hug, and some medicine to help make you better." I guess not getting the loving hold after a long day is really missed. that human touch is necessary, I believe, to being a normal functioning part of society (or at least for me).

How have I coped? So far I have logged into EQ2 and push people away. Some try their best to inquire and I have just physically and emotionally pushed them away. However there is one whom regardless of the antisocial temperament, he has yet to let me go to sleep in this Anti-social state. The discussions we have a foundation of our growing relationship. Most of the credit goes to him; there are those whom try their best but don't know how they can help from so far away.

I have learned that it is so hard knowing that you have so many friends so far away. I have friends from the UK, to Maryland, to Pennsylvania, to Texas, to Missouri. That feeling of just wanting to go over to their house and just give them a hug, to not only re-assure them but to re-assure me never goes away. Connecting through my game of choice EQ2, it has made things even more difficult, because they are those who live far away.

In short, I am taking one day at a time, and just planning my future. Looking for the day in November where I can come home to someone to hug and kiss. To having a conversation at night before I close my eyes and feeling them against me, my safety. It will be sublime bliss... even if it is for two weeks.

Of Video Games, Cupcakes and Free Stuff

Video Games, I love them and enjoy spending my time playing. This is my way to de-stress, and speak to not only my loved one, but my support network. But when things like major updates get pushed through that break things, I get frustrated.

We just had a major update last Thursday in EverQuest 2 (EQ2) and well lets just say we as a community have not been happy. Everything from Hats that are marked as Footwear, and Cloaks that are marked as pants to being Locked out of guild halls it is just a huge mess. I have been bearing with the constant AA respecs, and guild hall bugs. I seriously hope that come expansion day in November it will all be fixed, and the expansion itself is not laced with as my loved one says, "Show-Stopping" bugs like the guild hall bug.

That games aside I have decided that you know I can't just dwell but they need to know. Regardless I over the weekend had the great urge to bake. I have always had to stifle my urges to bake during the summer, because of heat issues and the now ex. Also depression had kicked in over drive and just have not felt the urge to.

But this last weekend I just said you know what Fuck it, I am gonna bake. And I did.. a full batch of Chocolate cupcakes, and some homemade frosting. I mean the cupcakes didn't turn out, as my KitchenAid has been broken, but I still did my best and made them. I also dislike store bought frosting and always make my own. A little milk and some sugar and vanilla, Voila frosting!

However, this cupcake story has a crappy ending as I was told that "because the frosting was made with milk it had spoiled when I left them out over the night". To that I said you know what, to be brutally honest, my recipe stated nothing of the sort. But if you feel the need to toss them fine. They proceeded to then do some research, and I had thrown them out for their non word of being spoiled. They had asked a friend whom doesn't have a lot of experience but I suppose they trusted her more then I and she said they are fine.

Fifteen Minutes after they were in the trash they tell me such. I decided until Moving day is complete, I will not bake in this house. At all. I am tired of such assumptions that I don't know what I am doing. I want to be a baker, and I know about something. I am never afraid to admit I am wrong but, seriously. I could be over-reacting but to finally be wanting to make something, and to have it be said oh.. it is spoiled because you didn't put them away. Just done.

As you all know I am moving and will have very little to take with me. I was worrying about where I was going to sleep, be it the floor or a borrowed Air bed that my brother would lend me. My high school friend said "Hey come over here this weekend and meet your new apartment. The person in your new apartment is having a house sale. Most of it is free!" I said hey why not lets go, I have maybe $20 to spend lets see what we can find. I had bought a Bed, Microwave and Microwave stand for $15.00 that day. She also said she was leaving a plant outside for me to!

I heard word from the same friend today, the one whom has referred me to the apartments; He said that the previous tenant left me more things for my move in. A Vacuum and a light! This makes me so very happy because it was not more than a few days ago I was telling my loved one that I was not going to not have one in my new place. (I have lived far too long with out one)

I can't thank this person enough; It is nice to to be receiving things when I am in a small need of a light that isn't an oncoming train. I will have to remember when I move again to pay it forward for the next person. It is moments like today that make me realize that even through all the frustrations, there is someone whom can make you smile.