Week two in Missouri

It's been two weeks now since I had moved to the Saint Louis area. It has been the most fast paced two weeks you could ever imagine. A lot has happened since I have last posted so I guess a brief re-cap might be in order.

The last week of work was painful yet, very rewarding. Got to talk to a few familiar clients and got to close quite a few tickets. There were a few tickets that were unresolved but I knew they were in good hands. The last day, I did cry. I knew I was going to be doing something bigger and better, but I just knew that I wasn't going to see these guys again. My name tag was stolen, my very last day, and it was just very emotional. I didn't go drinking that night with the crew because, no one was going to show and I just wanted to go home, buy pizza and drink some beer.

The last weekend was a crazy one, with divorce papers, signed, and seeing a few friends over the weekend. It was just a lot of catching up. Monday, I went to see my best friend, Ferret, and her kidlet. Tuesday that week my lovie flew into town, and the cube got dropped off. Then on it was a blur, with dinner dates, and moving and packing. Uncomfortable beds, and empty houses. Threats that were made, and closure on everything.

Time flew too fast, and on the Friday before I left, I knew who my true friends were. Other than Ferret, and Fox, ( because they had kids) of course. 7 of my closest friends came down and we sang together. Drank, and sang. It was one of the best nights ever. A lot of hugs and sad good byes later, and I was nursing the drunk feeling afterwards.

Saturday came waaay too early, but we cleaned the house, and packed up our things, and the cat and off we went. Running a little later than we liked but we made it on time. We went through security quite well. The cat did very well, a few maintenance mews, and everything was just fine. We got to Saint Louis and was picked up by some in-law family, and made it home. The kids were here when we arrived, and with a distressed cat, she said her hellos and then hid in our closet for a few hours. Once things got quiet she came out and snuggled us for a little bit.

The first week was quite busy as well, moving things around getting prepared for the shipment of my possessions, getting the essentials that we needed, and everything all at once. Explored the surrounding area, and ensured that we knew what we were looking forward to. Quite a bit of new and exciting scenery. Also it is an area of town that he is not too familiar with, so we are still learning.

The second week has been very quiet, making dinner at home, and moving my possessions around, and unpacking my kitchen and such. So far it has been very labor intensive and just tedious. We are still making the necessary changes to the house to make it a warmer home. I look forward to making this house a home for at least a few years, until we find a place that fits our style a little more than what we have now.

Next week I am in full scale job hunting. I didn't get the position that I applied for but as my mum always said, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Until we speak again!

Lots of love!

Two Weeks to go!

So much emotion running through right now. I have two weeks to go, until our move date. My love and I are looking forward to it. The start of something new, and fresh.

To catch everyone up, we found a place in Creve Coeur, Missouri. A wonderful 3 bedroom town house. It isn't perfect but as we both believe, we are not perfect. It seems to be cozy, and has it's quirks but it is home. He moved in last week, and in two weeks I will be moving in with my cat.

I have a second interview with the first company that I have decided to place my application with. They know I need some help and learning with Linux, and a little with the command line in Windows, but I have the basics. I am intelligent, and know what I am talking about. Now to attempt to nail the second interview once I am in town.

I am not sure if this move has been harder on my friends than on myself. Trying to do the last minute things, seeing people and things that I have wanted to. I shouldn't thing think this is goodbye but yet, I will be back. I know that I am coming back home. It will be awhile, but I suppose I never thought I would leave Seattle. But after being here for about 27 years, I am thinking it is time to explore.

Nearly done packing, getting everything ready. This is my last week of solid packing, and today I found something that I thought I had lost. When I was in high school my grandfather started writing a book about his trucking. My grandfather was a trucker, nearly life long trucker. He was proud of his accomplishments, and being able to see all continental 49 states. The only ones he didn't get to see with his trucking was Alaska and Hawaii (no roads to Hawaii).

His death came this year, it was expected but still somewhat sudden. I hadn't seen him in years, since I was in High School. I had just received the pamphlet that was given out for his funeral, but finding his book. It makes me think of how much I know I am going to miss him. My grandfather, a wonder of no belief, a strong soul., a worker and someone whom did not show fear to change. As I go forward, and explore the US and the World, I can't help to think that I am like him in some way, a traveler. I am going to create memories that will last me a long time.

Two weeks until I make my biggest jump ever, I am ready, I have been ready and truly look forward to the adventure. Thank you everyone that supports me!

Four weeks to go!

Well we are in the final four weeks of our count down. Everything is just starting to fall into  place. Which I have no complaints about, we need things to be smooth.

I put my application into a company for a tier 2. We had scheduled an interview, but it had to be rescheduled. In the mean time I have been studying my little heart out. I have wonderful friends, and an even better partner to help. I got the call Monday to have it scheduled for Wednesday. I..am..terrified! I want this to work out, be somewhat easy... I have this feeling it wont be.

We have been searching for apartments as of late. We found quite a few but two caught our eye. We applied, and we were accepted on one, waiting to hear back on the second. We want the second place more than the first... But with things stacked against us, we will work it out.

So lets check list here,
Job- interview tomorrow
House- got one hiring hoping for the other
Packed- about 85% done.
Cat- ready for flight, last appointment scheduled
Notice on current place- check, have balance
My health checkup- check, prescriptions refilled
Sanity- lost that months ago
Stress level-out of control
Flight tickets-purchased
Rental car-not yet working on it
The relocube- reserved, will need to call soon.
Legal papers-will sign soon

I am so ready to go. I feel like I am playing Tetris. I am placing them where they should go but afraid it won't work. I have faith that things will work. I am sure. More updates soon!

Bumps, and Lumps; Ups and Downs

After a week of focusing on one... we find out that it is not meant to be. I believe that if you work at it and you still do not get what you are reaching for, it was not meant to be. You can't help but plan what it will like if you achieved your goal, and have your heart set on just one. However, when you are shot down not once but twice, it is just heart breaking.

This goes for just about everything I have learned. A job, a house, a life, and a material item, all the same in many ways. If you do not put forth the energy then it does not get accomplished. Mind you, we both right now are running out of steam, and fuel. Our daily energy is that of a barely making it feeling. I know that I am barely surviving knowing and breathing that there is a light at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel. I sometimes wonder how he feels.

I had said once before that a long distance relationship is not for the weak of heart. Each day since I last saw him, it gets harder. I sometimes wonder if I am going forward because of my own drive or for that of another. Terrified of change, Tired from the lack of restful sleep, and just worried that something is going to go wrong. My everyday has become that last sprint. Planning, preparing, packing, and existing.

This week we may have already lost what could have been a wonderful thing. Then I ask, was it meant to be? Was it just another step to something bigger, better or just what we need. I am not about living beyond my means, or proving that I have something that you don't. I want to be comfortable. I want to come home to my mate, whom welcomes me with open arms and kisses. A cold empty house is not the life for me.

I proved to myself that I could survive, and live on my own. Something that I had never done before. It is quite an accomplishment. I however, wish I could do more. I need to re-charge.. no WE need to re-charge. We need to put our feet on the ground and take a look at the time keeper and get ready. I may be out of shape but damn it we will make that finish line. We will be out of breath, tired but I believe that after we get through these hurdles. We can make anything happen.

I submitted my resume, and we will continue our search. The one thing that we need to keep in mind... Anything is possible. This is the time where we pick each other up and encourage that this finish line isn't far away. We will make a home wherever the fates believe we should be.

Excuse me, it's my decision.

I shouldn't have to feel like I have to apologize for my decision to move. I am striving to make myself happier by moving closer to a loved one. I am quitting a job that makes me kinda happy for a job that will make me happier. I am moving from my little nest to an overall happier life. I am working towards a better me.

Why is it when I work towards something that makes me happy everyone gets in a tizzies because "Oh gods you are moving away!" Or "Oh gods she is changing!". Really people every one strives to make the life you live happy. I shouldn't have to justify it. I shouldn't have to feel like an apology should be in order.

When I weighed my choices, and what was good for me this was it. I am in my late 20's, I don't live forever. I want to explore, I want to be fucking happy. I have someone whom supports me for who I am. Someone who shares in the workload of life, who believes in the same work ethic, and believes in the same ideas of what a sex life should be. someone I don't have to scrafice the important things to, because he understands.

I have made mistakes in my life. It is not easy to make myself believe that "it will be ok" because the road is not always smooth. It takes violent turns and it isn't always roses. But I do my best to make decisions that will help me and not harm. Right now I am causing more harm than help. Let me help myself damn it, don't hold me down and smother me.

What ever happened to the belief of "And it cause no harm, do as you will"? Is this not valid for my life changing event? I will not apologize for my choices. I will not make excuses because I am going to truly live. Adventure, love, and believe that I will make dreams come true. With sweat and tears I will make things happen, and by my side someone that supports me.

Be mad, be sad, be unhappy, be happy, be whatever emotion you decide fitting. I will listen to my heart and intuition. Just know that it's my decision. I am making my world happy! If you don't like it then obviously you don't understand. Don't make me feel like I have to apologize for my decisions, it's just not right. Thanks for listening.

Stress, snow, and scams

This week has started out less than prefect. Lately I have been worrying about things that have been out of my control.

I have issue with perfection. I am a self proclaimed perfectionist. I will do everything in my power to ensure that I will accomplish a task in a timely manner. We have been short staffed at work. With a ton of new customers each week we have been struggling to keep up.

My own policy is to ensure that every one of my tickets are touched. But when you are thrown more and not allow me to assess the situation I become overwhelmed and stressed out. I am nearly always stressed out, just by nature. If I am overwhelmed I can't cope as well. I have learned over time to breathe, but there are still moments.

Spring is coming! Not only are there flowers blooming but there is snow falling. The past three days we have had snow. Not the amounts that we had in january, but enough to make people freak out. We even had one of my favorite type of storm. A wind storm. A kept thinking about my boyfriend, being cuddled letting the wind take us. I really hope Saint Louis has the same, and not involving tornados.

Lastly, we have been searching for houses to rent. We have been using a wonderful website called "Pad Mapper". It helps you find places that you could rent or buy. We are not in the market to buy a house. We want to retire in Seattle, in our home; not Saint Louis. So we started our search. It has been an interesting search to start.

The first house we sent a response to, looked wonderful. A few blocks from work, and businesses. Exactly what we were looking for. He sent a response, and we waited. We heard nothing for a week or so.
Last night we were up late doing some housing searches. We came across the same house again, and suggested that he look for the response in his junk folder. Well thinking Google was over doing the spam protection again we found it there.

We were a little concerned with the opening of the response and a conflict of religious views. However, he dove by the house. It looked legit, so we responded. They wanted some normal information, who are you, when you born, who will be in the house, pets, cars, occupation, previous residence, why you leaving, ect. We apologized for the delay and I can only assume he did some research.

Next thing I know I am recieving an email saying that this is all a scam. Well fuck me with a stick. Something that would have been a dream place to rent gone in just a few seconds. He continued to search and found more. So much so he sent one to me with a response that made me giggle. "Hey honey, they are doing Doctors without borders. We should watch their house for them."

It is sad that in a single moment I went from hopeful to frustated to just another wasted moment. If I have learned anything it has been two things. First, don't stress over things you don't have control over. And second, if it is too good to be true, it probably is. I guess it's back to the drawing board... On the bright side, I have the vet and dr appointment set. This isn't washed yet.... gotta keep my head up.

Am I ready?

The days are quickly counting down. About 9 weekends left, and I am truly thinking. "Am I ready?"

We bought our tickets, this week. I was able to choose the date. I thought about it, and it was a very difficult choice. I was thinking of my cat, and the stress it would put on her. So I made the decision to leave as quickly as possible. Like a band-aid just get it done, and be settled.

I hate change, and this one is HUGE! This one is moving quite far away, about 2k miles. I have to figure the time to not only spend with some friends before I leave, but also ensure that all of my loose ends are tied. That is a lot to do in about 9 weeks.

I have picked up a few things for the cat, and know that both of us need to get in for a dr appointment. So finding the time to schedule this, and get the rest of my possessions packed. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't terrified. The thought that goes through my mind is often, "Is this right?"

The last time I went there, it felt like home. It felt like I should be there. I am quite done with being lonely. I am done with only cooking dinner for myself, and having no one but myself to talk to in person. I am done with sleeping alone, and baking for co-workers. (not that I mind). I want to get that change of scenery and change of pace for life in general.

So to answer this question I keep asking myself, "Am I ready?" my answer is quite simple. "No, but I am ready for the next challenge and to have someone there to help me along." So, I will get things packed and shredded, along with getting my life put together before I go.

Missing You; Skype to the Rescue?

Another rough week has been had for both of us. The stress of not seeing each other is really taking it's toll. It goes right back down to the little things. That lovely kiss, that want to come snuggle your love, the need to be there to help make them feel better when they are not feeling well. It also is the stress of our jobs, and this planning of not only my move but "Our" move.

Every day it adds to the stress and desire to no longer be homesick. I have deemed this feeling we have, this missing you and need you here right now feeling to be called "Lovie-Sick". Homesick to the next level? It's not going to be the next "new" word in Webster's Dictionary, but it means something to the pair of us.

I can tell you that there are moments where you are like, "I should enjoy this alone time now, because I won't get as much later." but really right now, I want... no ... he wants.... no... WE Both need that physical touch. That small kiss from time to time, that simple caress on your cheek. I am not even mentioning the sex. Because really it isn't all about that... It really is all about just the intimate, up close and loving moments.

It has been nearly 2 months since I was last in his arms. I miss that feeling. I won't deny that I kinda wish I could just fly out spend a weekend, or maybe a little longer and only come back because I have to sign papers. But I am responsible, I want to be in the state for those papers. There are nights that I often wonder if it is my fault, that I didn't do this sooner. But that is another topic for another day.

He was "Lovie-Sick" and I knew that proverbial bug was trying to bite me too. I remembered when his then Two year old, now three year old was getting Home sick while we were at his brother's house. He thought it a wonderful idea to Skype and talk to their Mom, and her boyfriend. She felt better, and it helped ease the time apart.

I figure if Lovie-Sick was the same or similar to homesick the same treatment would help. I mean it is a Logical step yes? Mind you we Skype and we talk all the time, there are many occasions where we talk until we fall asleep. (I really enjoy those nights, it makes me feel very close to him, even though he is over 2k miles away) But lately we have not been Skyping with video, because most of the time, it is bed time ( and lights are evil).

He liked the idea and we spent a few moments just chatting, and smiling. Even blowing silly lovie kisses, things you just can't do over a voice channel. I was eating dinner, and he doing some laundry. Mundane things but still a moment that can't be forgotten so quickly.

Yesterday we spoke to a few friends whom are trying the Long Distance route to find a loved one. The one thing that we tell them, it is hard... very, very, very hard. It is a lot about communication, love, and finding those simple moments to do the little things like Video chat. Today's technology has brought a lot of people together, and with a video chat, and clients that support this, can make it easier. But you can't keep substituting internet and virtual kisses for real ones. It is much better to be in their arms. But at least it can help.

Today, Skype helped a little to ease the pain of my loved one being so far away. I just have to keep counting the days. They will come in very short order.

The Countdown Begins... NOW!

I haven't posted here in a while as things have been just crazy, and believe it or not it is just getting started. Since that cold January week a lot has transpired. I suppose I should fill you all in.

I did survive the Snowoclypse with only one fall. I was quite proud of myself! It was the very last day after all the snow had melted, and it was freezing. I had found one of the last pieces of Black Ice. Let my butt tell you how that felt. I had purchased some YakTrax the weekend before knowing that it would snow and be very icy. But because the snow had melted, I thought I didn't need them. Yeah... that was a mistake. Yes, I learned from that one.

Shortly after that, it was getting ready for these papers to be signed. At first I had no printer, no paper, no envelopes or the money to deal with this. (Let me tell you, you thought that getting married is expensive. ) We (The ex and I) finally got all the components ready, and mailed it out. In just enough time for our first target date (April 21st), but after having them come back with the statement of "I need more money for postage" I was just frustrated. I have somewhere to be people! I had to waste more stamps and an envelope to send it out AGAIN!

While waiting for those papers to get back, I started to pack and make plans for what we need to get done before Move #1. Oh yes, we get to move twice but I will get to that. We get the papers back, fairly quickly and we now have our date! It is a farther out than I expected but, we will make it work. We are now looking at May, early. I am getting excited, but then I realize it is officially 85 days today. Initiate panic mode!

We now file that one certain thing every year, Taxes. Wonderful! Yet because my and the Ex's taxes are difficult, (always have been) we go to a company whom can prepare our taxes for us. Of course because of the complexity, and extra forms it costs quite a bit. I ask how we are going to pay for it, he said he would pay for half. Fine, that is wonderful. Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you, it won't be until the following week. Wonderful I think, just wonderful. The second week of the month and you are expecting me to be able to pay this AND my bills. Right! I digress.

I get it done, sent and it is now on its way should be here soon! I get half as per the state laws (even though I made most of the money last year) and we will not have to cross paths until the sign date. Now I am sitting here thinking how much stuff is on my to do list. Lets list this out.

Pack for Missouri ( The First move)

Find a house to rent

Update my resume

Get a Local Missouri number for my cell phone

Find a job

Get my Student loans deferred.

Pay for the shipping crate

Pay for the 2 vet bills (the first one for general check up, second for the flight)

Pay for the cat carrier, harness and other necessary accessories.

Pay for my Doctor visit & prescriptions

Pay for 1 round trip flight, and 1 one way with Cat carry on.

Learn a new way of eating

Still maintain my work ethic under the stress of a dying job ( I recognize a sinking ship when I see one)

Commute, and not be exhausted

Maintain my relationship with my Boyfriend.

The list goes on, not to mention that once I am there I am going to be packing once again (which there should be very little) to move into a new house. You can feel the stress from not only myself but him too. Today I said that we need to start this teamwork bit, because we are not going to make it with our sanity if we keep going this way. (Two people working separately, yet for the same cause.)

So I am asking for him to put some of his stress upon me, as I request things of him. I tend to have more free time over the weekends, between sleeping and packing. He has a sense of Saint Louis, so if I search for houses, he can approve and do a drive by ( to look at it!). We need to start saving what little coins we have, and just make this happen. I will do my best to support him even though I am so very far away. I am not completely helpless, and would rather be in, what I call, the "War zone". I mean come on Sarge, I have proven I can do my job... Just look at me! I am ready! Let me go, let me help my team mates... They need re-enforcement, I AM THAT GIRL!

I have learned that we both lead a high stress lives, and will continue to be high stress until we have a place, a job for me and take a deep breath. This is where we start... the beginning. I passed the first test, living with him for two weeks. I think I passed the second test, staying with the kids for a week, and helping with the Holidays. I think this our third. We need to start passing each other the things that you can pass off. If you have time to cook, then cook. If you have time to search flights and get them paid, do it. If I need to call the airline to ensure that My ticket has the pet fee and register that we will have a cat. I will do it. This is the time where we really show what we are made of. I think we can make it do you?

Stress will come and go, but Love is there for a long time, only if you can ask for help when it is needed. I am here for you, as you are there for me. Teamwork. We... can.. do.. this! I have faith. We just have to keep our sanity for only 85 more days, then a break. Then we start again. Lets go Sarge!

Snowoclypse 2012

This week was our week to deal with the snow. Here in Seattle, we don't deal with snow. Our streets are hilly, and truthfully rain is our thing.

We started to get our powder on sunday. Where I live it melted all by monday night. But going into work we had an average of 2 to 3 agents maybe every day.

I take public transportation, so it has been easier for me to get there. It is just knowing it will be slow going. I was able to make it every day save Wed. The reason, I got stuck half way there. Got to Bellevue and I found out that the bus I needed didn't start until after 8am. Wait what?!?

Now, my only rule of getting to work is if the bus that takes me in front of the office isn't running, I don't come in. These buses only run for about 3 hours in the morning and about 3 hours in the evening.They are commuter buses So you can imagine how frustrating this can be.

Now nearly every day this week I have been able to get to work on time. Only Monday I was half hour late, and was able to make it up the next day. But Friday, I am on my way home, I stood out at the stop for an hour. Normally the Buses run every half hour or so.

While I was standing at this stop I get to thinking the buses dont run soon, what happens then? Well I have no one I can really call to come get me. I could get a cab but that is expensive. Or I could walk 2 miles to catch the nearest bus.

Mind you the roads where clear, nothing hindering the travel, the snow was finally melting. When I finally get on the first bus people say the previous busses were cancelled! There was no email, no alert, nothing. Not only was I frustrated that there wasn't a bus, but now to find out they were cancelled!

My commute is already 2 hours long I don't need bus drama ontop of it. It was there at the bus stop I realized, I am alone. I am truly alone... I don't have anyone here in state I can feel like I trust. I seem to lose friends rather than keep them. Maybe the card reader from last week is right... If I don't fix who I am and where I need to go soon I might be in the grave sooner than later.

I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me. I just hope the nightmare is over soon.

Now Leaving Saint Louis

Well another week complete and on an airplane to Seattle. I have found that this time it was quite a bit easier to leave knowing that this is the last time I have to say good bye to my love. I have tried to cry a few times but I know that I have a very long business Trip to do. He says it is only 3 months and 3 weeks. Which I know will go so fast.

So much to do this year in the first 4 months, file for divorce, Scamp to the vet, Taxes, and packing. You just don’t know how much you own until you start to purge the items that you don’t need. I look forward to knowing what I am donating and what I am keeping. I know it isn’t going to be much. I don’t have much, I will make sure that the Ex will get first dibs on items that I have to get rid of. Only fair right?

I am going to enjoy living in Saint Louis, even when we were in Iowa and it was 17 degrees out and so windy that I nearly lost my breath a few times, I was still smiles. Speaking of that trip, that was the most fun I had this year so far. My Boyfriend and I travelled all of city looking for 1 skein of Midnight Blue Yarn so that I could finish our rug. Scouring 2 Hancock’s, Joann’s, Michael’s , Walmart /and/ a Kmart we couldn’t find a single Skein! We came back home to Saint Louis and the first place we called they had it! I could work on it while travelling.

Also this trip was my test to see if I could handle being a parent. My boyfriend and I travelled from Saint Louis to Iowa. Let me tell you, travelling via car with two kids and an iPad around nap time. Not too bad. Took a nap or two on this 8 hour drive, but really it was just nice to be going with my love. Once we got there we cuddled for the night. Afterwards the week went fast, with a lot of lazy days. We had a few moments with the youngest, as she was just two. She quickly got homesick, but with the power of Skype she could see her mom.

Each night he assured me that I was doing well as a parent. I question that I will be a great one, as often I was told I was not “fun”. I may not be “fun” but I guess I don’t want to have a child disobedient. Which both were wonderful for us. But I wonder, will they always be that way? When we finally have our own home? Will they need correction? Although I did get some confidence, when one or both of them didn’t listen to me, he asked them what I said, or what did I ask. He was re-enforcing that I was a parent or at least an adult that they must listen to, It really meant a lot.

The entire trip there was many small conversations on the best way to move me to Saint Louis. When I was going to give my notice, and when I was going to give him my Resume for a possible job in the city. I look forward to all the opportunity that it gives me. Even talk with someone whom makes cakes and deals with that sort of thing. I can’t wait to just be settled again. He can’t wait either. We both just look forward to clearing out the dust.

Other events that happened, the last night in Saint Louis this time, we went out to a small Greek restaurant with some friends. Angebird, Tojosan, Nanna_J and the Boyfriend, it was great conversation, and just nice to finally meet Tojosan and Nanna_J. After dinner we got to go to Coffee Cartel and see a good friend there too. Before we went to Iowa, I got to see the Boyfriend’s best friend Versa Dave and his kidlets. I look forward to just being there so that we can hang out more often.

All in all I already miss him, and will continue to miss him. I love the city and can’t wait to come back. Don’t miss me long Saint Louis, I will be back soon! Now to get my finish my business, and pack! Where is my shredder???

New years resolutions

Its that time of year again when everyone makes some sort of resolution. There are so many things that I could resolve to to this year, but why accomplish or strain to do them all. I thought very long and hard about the resolutions for 2012, the one that sticks out the most? That would be to be happy.

So much I have done to make others happy and waited to satisfy my own needs, that I can't just sacrafice myself for others. It may be my nature but I can't just keep killing myself this way. I just spent the last 10 years waiting, I don't want to wait anymore. This year is a huge one for me. A finalized divorce, a cross country move and a new way to think of the world around me.

This move to Saint Loius is huge, my first time living out of the Seattle area. My mother isn't happy, but I know she wants me to be free. I will admit I am a little scared to move so far from home. But really in order to accomplish something big you need to take chances. And this is my chance. I can't wait to be here, a just settle down. I think that there is so much to accomplish that I know that it will be awkward at first. But I will manage.

So much the way I think is based on the future. I really hope that my love can keep up.

My list for 2012 is the following
~ Be happy. Things will get you down, but you have to pick yourself up and brush yourself off to just keep on going.
~ Eat healthy. Make good choices and walk. Try to only have a soda a day, drink more water, and coffee with non fat milk.
~ Don't wait on your dreams. In any case chase dreams when all possible.
~ Write more, and socialize when I can. Blogging and making myself be a little more outgoing. Exploring things that I have never done.

I don't want to make it long just achievable. I do know that this last year I did accomplish one, I have started on the path to happiness. Thank you for all my listening. Until next year! .

Day in the Life...

So the first wait is nearly coming to a close.... Each day is one less, and I look forward to not being truly alone. But the question comes, am I truly alone in this apartment? Not really, it only seems like it. I spend very little time here, it is a place for me to lay my head at night. However, this is the next logical step.

I am someone that when I get excited I talk, and the question I often get is "Are you taking those two weeks off?" Now if I haven't said here, or if you don't know me directly you don't know what is going on. So let me back up. Right Now, there are 3 very special days coming. Other than my birthday, and other crazy days. My Boyfriend coming to town, Me going to Saint Louis, Missouri/ somewhere in Iowa (okay so I was corrected) for the holidays, and my "Hopeful" final move across the country to Saint Louis, Missouri.

As the days get close to all three I will most likely talk about them. So today's topic, "Him coming here for two weeks".

So to answer the question above, "Am I taking off those two weeks he is here?" The answer is No. This experience is going to be really a "Day in the life of Kitty" The one down thing about a long distance relationship is all you know is the communication that you have via your media options. Our cell phone usage, our EverQuest 2 voice chat conversations, Twitter, Texting, Skypeing, and even G-Chatting. But realistically you just don't know how everyone is unless you just stay with them.

I was told by a good friend of mine that the best time frame for you to tell if you can be with someone was two weeks. Getting over the first week, sub-conscious perfection that you impose because you are trying to impress someone. The second week you can truly understand and see the things that someone does. You can find the small things that you just can't live with or without.

Though I often wonder, will these two weeks be really a good show of our day to day lives? I certainly hope so. I really hope that the apartment will be warm, the bed will be comfortable enough for him, and even my sad excuse of cooking expertise will be acceptable. I worry, (another little thing about me) about everything.

I spent two weeks with him in April. It was different, and I was very shy. I didn't do some things because I felt I was being watched. Not by him, but by others. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every moment of it. I loved being with him, his kids, and just how we got out to see things. I just couldn't feel 100% comfortable, and to be rightly honest it was not going to be how it really is in the future. We are not going to have the "In-laws" living with us. As much as I would appreciate the thought, my way of life does not promote having someone of that nature in my house for more than a few days.

However with his coming here, there is much we want to accomplish in these two weeks. Meeting my grandparents, the little brother, the parents (two separate meetings), seeing his mom, and even just walking down the street holding hands. I don't think it will be... I don't think that this will be a true "Day in the life" because I am not really this exciting. But I want him to meet everyone that I care about, because they matter to me.

I want to make these two weeks count, because if we can do this, the next test may just prove to be a little harder. Two kids, a car and a road trip. I really look forward to it. I really do... Right now though, I just can't wait to kiss his lips and collect my cuddles.

To Be or Not To Be...

I am quickly learning that it does not pay to be a "Superwoman" every day. You become tired, and worn out and more zombie like as time passes. Knowing this I have to make some huge changes, and decisions based upon the time I have.

So first of all, I RP on EverQuest 2. One of my toons (my main toon for that matter) is currently RPly married to another. For those whom don't know the world of "RP" or also known as Role Play, basically we play a Gnome, and a Ratonga whom have been married. I have a person whom is my partner in game, and we just have fun with the story line. However, the one down side.... He lives on the East coast. I (right now anyways) am currently living on the West coast.... (man this is starting to sound like a love story gone awry) Regardless, he works, and is offline by 9pm EDT which happens to be approximately 6pm PDT (you notice something).

Yeah, it was talked about, it would have to be done during the weekends, which is fine but I am also planning on moving in now 5 months. I am trying to also spend time with my family, and the few friends that decide to come out of the wood work. So of course that is an issue just as well.

I am also trying to make time for My boyfriend because we are in a long distance relationship, it is very important to me that I talk to him often. I miss him very much every day. During the week, my commute and my work schedule puts me out of the house for about 13 hours a day. With me going to bed about 10pm PDT, I am just exhausted by the end of the week. Spend two days resting to go do it all over again.

This is just nuts! I mean I am only one person, and where is the phrase "Real Life takes precedence" Where is this "It's okay we will be here..." or "We still miss you." Gods... I tell myself that I miss me! I am just sitting here thinking... on a daily basis on what I want to do... what I need to do.. and what factions to grind.

I know that I go by the phrase "Rest is for the wicked" But DAMN, I was not expecting all of this. As I old my RP partner this week, I can't guarantee anything until April, May. I don't want to hold up your story for that long... but we need to figure out something. We have to figure out a way that we can build the toons and not have to worry about a freaking time zone.

I suppose we will figure it out.. until then... Myself, my Cat, my Boyfriend, and My Job come first. This Superwoman is focusing on the real world. My 40 hours in EQ2 is pretty much over... Until of course I get settled in the new place. But even that can't be guaranteed. I just keep counting, 169 days.

Expectations

Expectation
noun

1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

I am in transition, this state of constant motion. A moving target if you will. I have been trying for nearly a month to settle myself. But going from having a car to bus travel, has been very, very difficult.

I expect that I will be settled by the time that I am just about ready to move again. (Yes, I did say Move again) I am out of my house for a total of 13 hours right now. I barely have enough time to pet, feed and water the cat every day let alone my own Need to do list. I am exhausted beyond belief because I am trying to over extend myself. I know this and I know I need to stop.

I also appreciate people telling me every chance they get that they miss me. I miss you too... believe me when I tell you that I have been wanting to be home earlier but there is just only so much you can do. You say, "Hey, Lets get together sometime. How about (insert day here)?" I have this expectation that this date is okay with you, and you have this scheduled aside.

But when I am here, and you are not, or have other plans it really hurts. I have taken the effort to be there, to actually get myself ready... and to be stood up, or dismissed. Ouch dude... just ouch. Or the backhanded comment of "I didn't expect you to show up?"

Am I not that trustworthy to you? Do you not believe that I keep my promises or apologize profusely because I can't make it because my eyes burn like the sun, and I am falling asleep while standing?

I have standards now. I have expectations. I have a Life now. I may have been able to spend a lot of time with everyone, but now... I barely have time to spend with my Boyfriend. (Again, yes I did say boyfriend) Where do you come in this list? You are not dead last, but you are below the most important things, Myself and then the boyfriend, then you.

Please be patient as I wait for my normal day to day life to continue to struggle to find my norm. Please excuse my abrupt, and absent ways. I am not the woman I used to be. I am now fighting to find my own self. I am fighting to keep my head above the emotional sea of change. I know that I have a ton of support from everyone that I touch. But I can't be everywhere at once.

I love you all... but damn it let me figure this out... and if this means I need to get off the radar then I will. Because I am self empowering, and I want to get to next month, and beyond.

Weird Al and the FTA Policy

Another crazy week, but I know they will continue to come hot and fast. Each with it's own challenges. As we still pack and move things into storage and get everything handled.

Although, one of my treats this week was Weird Al. My Friend Pat was going to take me to the Puyallup Fair this year, (it will most likely be one of my last) and go to see him in concert. It was my very first concert, ever. I will say this will not be my last concert. He was amazing, unlike some artists, almost every song was a costume change.

I still haven't heard on the studio yet, I have been waiting. They said that the problem is that we are waiting on the housing part of the background check to come back. She called the last few days and gave me the number to the Landlord Protection Services. I called them and inquired what the hell was going on... It is nearly the end of the Month! I couldn't wait any longer. Their response was that they were waiting for the current apartment complex. They hadn't responded yet!

I ... Was... Pissed... I could not believe that nearly a business WEEK.. and they hadn't replied. I thanked the lady and stated that I would speak to them immediately. I drove home, as I was currently at the storage unit unloading some of my belongings, and promptly stopped at the office.

I will say I am very civil when it comes to how things are handled, but I lose my tact. I walked in and said that I have a very urgent issue that I needed this person to complete. She informed me that she was only there to take questions, and that she was a temp. My response to her was that she was just a pretty face, and that I understood.. but I need you to contact whomever can call this Landlord Protection Services to give them the all clear.

Within a matter of minutes it was completed. I can only hope that everything was just done. and I will hear from them soon... Or I will have to find a couch..

So regardless of my FTA policy, I had an okay week.... Next week.. moving week (I hope)! Wish me luck

Denied, Accepted, Holding Breath...

This week has been one of the most up and down weeks so far in this whole ordeal. I suppose lets start out at the beginning of the week. I wrote a post in haste... and it may never see the light of day. I found out on Tuesday that my first apartment application was denied.

I will not lie... I felt defeated ... Like a train has hit me full force and had kept on going. It wasn't every day that you were denied for something this life impacting. But I was, just devistated... I sat on the floor in my bedroom, crying for hours.

I will admit that I had no hope at that point, but after talking to an EQ2 friend, and to the boyfriend... I felt like there was hope. I knew that there was going to be bumps in the road. That there was something for me out there. I just knew that this was a test of my resolve. I knew that I had to find out why... and I sent in a fax stating I wanted to know why... but it would take 3-4 days.

I looked around and pulled up some apartment complexes and found one that would suit my needs. I went out the next day and looked at it. This place was old, and you could tell. The doors were hard to open and close. The upstairs walkway looked like it had seen better days. The neighborhood, didn't look as good.. but it had great views.

I said I need to apply for something... and so I did. I took the application home, filled it out and came back the very next day. I had asked how much it would be to move in.... It was about $1045. That for me is a lot of money. Especially when you live paycheck to paycheck. I applied anyways. 24 hours later, I called... She said she didn't know but she would check her email.

I held my breath... to find out that I was accepted.. however there was a catch. I had to pay about $150 more for a deposit. I was just shocked.. but understood. I just didn't know WHERE I was going to find the money.

Then I looked at the denial... and the reason why... I was a newb. I should have waited for myself to actually PAY rent before applying to a new apartment. So I called the first place back, and plead my case. She was going to talk to the people who denied me, (credit check peoples) and get the landlord part revised... then email her boss.

Now I still have two places... one I could spend nearly everything I make just to get in the door... or.. I hold my breath for the first place. I have to admit I am scared... but I need to hold my breath. I will be much happier with the first place then the second. The quality of living is better... even if it is just for 6 months.

Though I did get a storage unit for my belongings... Thanks to my mum. So at least my things are going out of the house. So here is to the power of prayer... I just hope I get the first place.

Waiting Games

I turned in my application on Wednesday for my new apartment. She said it will be about 24 hours to 72 hours before it comes back. I HATE this wait, because everything is on this one application. And did I ever say that I test horrible? (not the same sort of test.. but still the worry is there)

Many tell me that I have nothing to worry about. But I do .... I should distract myself by packing. The one thing that I am dreading the most. I have no room to pack with. Clearly not enough boxes to pack with and surely not enough time! But on the bright side, come this week I will have space. Guaranteed space! Mom's are awesome because of that. I already was told ONCE that it was going to be a struggle. My plan packing 3-4 times a week for a few hours, and only worry about my OWN stuff. Because it is just me and my cat now.

However, as Washington state law says we have to give 20 days notice to vacate, we signed the intent to leave and turned in! This is such a relief and a wonderful feeling. To know that it is official, and to know that you can't turn back now. You signed a paper that says, "I am leaving". I am just glad that one piece of the puzzle as fallen into place. Now for the rest to fall in line.

So much change but so much waiting... I suppose the phrase is true "Good things come to those who wait." Now for the waits

Of Video Games, Cupcakes and Free Stuff

Video Games, I love them and enjoy spending my time playing. This is my way to de-stress, and speak to not only my loved one, but my support network. But when things like major updates get pushed through that break things, I get frustrated.

We just had a major update last Thursday in EverQuest 2 (EQ2) and well lets just say we as a community have not been happy. Everything from Hats that are marked as Footwear, and Cloaks that are marked as pants to being Locked out of guild halls it is just a huge mess. I have been bearing with the constant AA respecs, and guild hall bugs. I seriously hope that come expansion day in November it will all be fixed, and the expansion itself is not laced with as my loved one says, "Show-Stopping" bugs like the guild hall bug.

That games aside I have decided that you know I can't just dwell but they need to know. Regardless I over the weekend had the great urge to bake. I have always had to stifle my urges to bake during the summer, because of heat issues and the now ex. Also depression had kicked in over drive and just have not felt the urge to.

But this last weekend I just said you know what Fuck it, I am gonna bake. And I did.. a full batch of Chocolate cupcakes, and some homemade frosting. I mean the cupcakes didn't turn out, as my KitchenAid has been broken, but I still did my best and made them. I also dislike store bought frosting and always make my own. A little milk and some sugar and vanilla, Voila frosting!

However, this cupcake story has a crappy ending as I was told that "because the frosting was made with milk it had spoiled when I left them out over the night". To that I said you know what, to be brutally honest, my recipe stated nothing of the sort. But if you feel the need to toss them fine. They proceeded to then do some research, and I had thrown them out for their non word of being spoiled. They had asked a friend whom doesn't have a lot of experience but I suppose they trusted her more then I and she said they are fine.

Fifteen Minutes after they were in the trash they tell me such. I decided until Moving day is complete, I will not bake in this house. At all. I am tired of such assumptions that I don't know what I am doing. I want to be a baker, and I know about something. I am never afraid to admit I am wrong but, seriously. I could be over-reacting but to finally be wanting to make something, and to have it be said oh.. it is spoiled because you didn't put them away. Just done.

As you all know I am moving and will have very little to take with me. I was worrying about where I was going to sleep, be it the floor or a borrowed Air bed that my brother would lend me. My high school friend said "Hey come over here this weekend and meet your new apartment. The person in your new apartment is having a house sale. Most of it is free!" I said hey why not lets go, I have maybe $20 to spend lets see what we can find. I had bought a Bed, Microwave and Microwave stand for $15.00 that day. She also said she was leaving a plant outside for me to!

I heard word from the same friend today, the one whom has referred me to the apartments; He said that the previous tenant left me more things for my move in. A Vacuum and a light! This makes me so very happy because it was not more than a few days ago I was telling my loved one that I was not going to not have one in my new place. (I have lived far too long with out one)

I can't thank this person enough; It is nice to to be receiving things when I am in a small need of a light that isn't an oncoming train. I will have to remember when I move again to pay it forward for the next person. It is moments like today that make me realize that even through all the frustrations, there is someone whom can make you smile.