I have to admit that the last few months have been nothing but reflection, understanding and action There is a lot that has gone on since my last post. I suppose I should catch you up.
January, I said that I had a plane ticket. I did, I went to see a good friend who has become something more to me. I told the spouse that I was going to live in Missouri for two weeks come April. There was nothing stopping me I was going, I needed a break and I needed to see someone whom I knew I cared for deeply.
The lease came up in March just like I had stated before, I couldn't afford to leave then because I was still unsure. I still didn't know if this was the right thing to do. I had to get out and think, feel my options and really know how it is to live for awhile. I signed another 6 month lease.
The days quickly counted down, the question came up many times, "Are you coming back?" What did they mean, I was pulling away. How can you not think I was, I was hurt, and neglected. Regardless, April came and I was on a plane to Missouri. Just me. Two weeks of me, him, his two beautiful kids and his ex's family. It was definitely a change of pace.
We saw a few sites, played a little of my online game EverQuest 2, and even had a few wonderful dates. Learned that even though I have lived in Washington my entire life, the two weeks in Missouri made me feel at home. I met a lot of people in Saint Louis, a lot of his friends; all welcoming and inviting. Even celebrated Easter together. As those two weeks flew past, I got compliments from my online friends, that you seem relaxed, and "your old self again" comments. I questioned, "Was I not "me" back at home?"
I regretfully flew back home three days after the Good Friday Tornado hit the Airport. (We think it was a sign saying I should have stayed.) I could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking, why am I not here. I was happy, I was alive again. I then thought of the time I spend at home, every day my routine: Wake up, go to work, come home, Play EQ2 and go to bed. That's it every day, and I just feel like I have been trapped.
I got home, that night and my spouse had asked me how my trip was. I was short and stated that I had fun. It was that night I made my soft decision, I needed out. I was tired of being tied down, supporting two people. One of which in his own right should be at least helping in so many ways, and being able to just not let me be the only one being able to pay rent every month.
I was kept up until "Oh gods" late and then was to be to work the next morning at 5 am. It was a few more days after that, that the decision became my "Final answer". I told him I couldn't do this. I cared for him, but I can't say that "I love you" anymore.
I have tried to fix the issues we have, I have tried to help you find a job that you just can't seem to find. And to be honest, he couldn't please me the way that I needed or was used to. I was always taking what my mother has always taught me, "Some day it will get better" But it has been 10 years, and sadly it never got better. It was the same, it was me supporting him and a family member. It was me ensuring that he remembered things, it was always late bills, and threats of disconnections.
I was tired of it. I told him that once this lease was up, I was moving out. On my own. To learn about ME. To learn that I can take care of myself, and make ME a better person. I will give you a legal separation for 6 months, and we will take it from there. I am not optimistic of his change. And even if he does change, I just don't think it will be enough. I think that this experience has made me realize that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me, and have someone to share those moments with.
It is difficult now being August and tomorrow being about 30 days until I am signing a new lease on my own studio apartment. The guilt I feel, the support I am getting, and the stress that everything will be okay; it is daunting, absolutely daunting.
My new direction has a lot more to go, but I do know that I will make it. And even better, I have a plan to make it happen. I will be living life for me not for anyone else. I just hope that a special someone will share that with me.
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