Moving a new direction

It's been a few months since I have posted here. I suppose I should catch you up, and let you know my goals from here on out with this blog.

A lot has happened since my last post. The summer was fast, but it was very pleasant for us. We did as much as we could with the allowed money, and time we were granted. I have been able to spend the summer with the kids, and create a few memories as a family. We have explored the Science Center, The Botanical Gardens, Visited the Zoo, and even a few parks. We have done a lot and I will be posting a few here on this blog and additional memories as well as they happen, and as I have photographs.

It is now Fall, and as the days get colder, I am sure we will accomplish more. I have obtained a full time job at our local Cable Company. So things are looking up. This weekend we have a con, and the following we have the kids.

I think our goal is to start our traditions this year. Pairing down the things we want/need to do for each year. I look forward to enjoying time with our family through out the coming years and seeing both kids grow, as my and my Lovie's relationship grow.

This blog is now changing from helping me to continue, to documenting a new sort of life that we are carving for ourselves. To get good pictures, and just doing small scrap moments for us.

June 2012

April 2011

Because moments like this.... you just can't re-create.

(I will be back posting to get caught up)

3 months and counting

Three months and counting, that is how long I have been unemployed. That is how long I have been struggling to find work. It has been hard to only have three interviews in the past three months, and wait for someone to call and the phone doesn't ring.

I have searched, nothing but one perspective, and they won't call. Today, it just got harder and I knew it was going to come. So now it is thinking outside the box. Instead of technical support positions, I will now look to retail.

I have never done retail, and I am sorta terrified at even attempting it but I need not be scared. It can't be that scary right?

Regardless I have to step up to my game, and go full force into the workforce. I must not feel this useless, I know I am not but this has to stop. Feelings I have been having are no good to me, nor my situation.

There is so much that I want to and need to get done. So for the time being I need to cast the feelings aside and make the most of it.

On a brighter note, we did have the kids for a week and a half, it was wonderful! We enjoyed them as much as they enjoyed it here. We had some family and friends come over, we did some Little Gym make up classes, and even went to BATTL with our friends. We ended the entire thing watching some metor showers at their mum's house.

His kid started first.grade this week, and I am sure we will hear all about it when he and his sister come over. I am excited to be there for them, and help in anyway. I may not be there for them every day, but at least I can make a difference in their lives. I hope.

Although, I can't complain much about the time I have spent here so far. I know now that the vacation is over, and I am going to do something about this fairy tale because it can't end like this. As always I am optimistic, and ready to take on anything. Just think, I will be making the most out of what we have, and making it better.

We will win, at least our story has already taken a new turn. Stick together and we can accomplish anything!

With love,
Kitty

Week two in Missouri

It's been two weeks now since I had moved to the Saint Louis area. It has been the most fast paced two weeks you could ever imagine. A lot has happened since I have last posted so I guess a brief re-cap might be in order.

The last week of work was painful yet, very rewarding. Got to talk to a few familiar clients and got to close quite a few tickets. There were a few tickets that were unresolved but I knew they were in good hands. The last day, I did cry. I knew I was going to be doing something bigger and better, but I just knew that I wasn't going to see these guys again. My name tag was stolen, my very last day, and it was just very emotional. I didn't go drinking that night with the crew because, no one was going to show and I just wanted to go home, buy pizza and drink some beer.

The last weekend was a crazy one, with divorce papers, signed, and seeing a few friends over the weekend. It was just a lot of catching up. Monday, I went to see my best friend, Ferret, and her kidlet. Tuesday that week my lovie flew into town, and the cube got dropped off. Then on it was a blur, with dinner dates, and moving and packing. Uncomfortable beds, and empty houses. Threats that were made, and closure on everything.

Time flew too fast, and on the Friday before I left, I knew who my true friends were. Other than Ferret, and Fox, ( because they had kids) of course. 7 of my closest friends came down and we sang together. Drank, and sang. It was one of the best nights ever. A lot of hugs and sad good byes later, and I was nursing the drunk feeling afterwards.

Saturday came waaay too early, but we cleaned the house, and packed up our things, and the cat and off we went. Running a little later than we liked but we made it on time. We went through security quite well. The cat did very well, a few maintenance mews, and everything was just fine. We got to Saint Louis and was picked up by some in-law family, and made it home. The kids were here when we arrived, and with a distressed cat, she said her hellos and then hid in our closet for a few hours. Once things got quiet she came out and snuggled us for a little bit.

The first week was quite busy as well, moving things around getting prepared for the shipment of my possessions, getting the essentials that we needed, and everything all at once. Explored the surrounding area, and ensured that we knew what we were looking forward to. Quite a bit of new and exciting scenery. Also it is an area of town that he is not too familiar with, so we are still learning.

The second week has been very quiet, making dinner at home, and moving my possessions around, and unpacking my kitchen and such. So far it has been very labor intensive and just tedious. We are still making the necessary changes to the house to make it a warmer home. I look forward to making this house a home for at least a few years, until we find a place that fits our style a little more than what we have now.

Next week I am in full scale job hunting. I didn't get the position that I applied for but as my mum always said, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Until we speak again!

Lots of love!

Bumps, and Lumps; Ups and Downs

After a week of focusing on one... we find out that it is not meant to be. I believe that if you work at it and you still do not get what you are reaching for, it was not meant to be. You can't help but plan what it will like if you achieved your goal, and have your heart set on just one. However, when you are shot down not once but twice, it is just heart breaking.

This goes for just about everything I have learned. A job, a house, a life, and a material item, all the same in many ways. If you do not put forth the energy then it does not get accomplished. Mind you, we both right now are running out of steam, and fuel. Our daily energy is that of a barely making it feeling. I know that I am barely surviving knowing and breathing that there is a light at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel. I sometimes wonder how he feels.

I had said once before that a long distance relationship is not for the weak of heart. Each day since I last saw him, it gets harder. I sometimes wonder if I am going forward because of my own drive or for that of another. Terrified of change, Tired from the lack of restful sleep, and just worried that something is going to go wrong. My everyday has become that last sprint. Planning, preparing, packing, and existing.

This week we may have already lost what could have been a wonderful thing. Then I ask, was it meant to be? Was it just another step to something bigger, better or just what we need. I am not about living beyond my means, or proving that I have something that you don't. I want to be comfortable. I want to come home to my mate, whom welcomes me with open arms and kisses. A cold empty house is not the life for me.

I proved to myself that I could survive, and live on my own. Something that I had never done before. It is quite an accomplishment. I however, wish I could do more. I need to re-charge.. no WE need to re-charge. We need to put our feet on the ground and take a look at the time keeper and get ready. I may be out of shape but damn it we will make that finish line. We will be out of breath, tired but I believe that after we get through these hurdles. We can make anything happen.

I submitted my resume, and we will continue our search. The one thing that we need to keep in mind... Anything is possible. This is the time where we pick each other up and encourage that this finish line isn't far away. We will make a home wherever the fates believe we should be.

Excuse me, it's my decision.

I shouldn't have to feel like I have to apologize for my decision to move. I am striving to make myself happier by moving closer to a loved one. I am quitting a job that makes me kinda happy for a job that will make me happier. I am moving from my little nest to an overall happier life. I am working towards a better me.

Why is it when I work towards something that makes me happy everyone gets in a tizzies because "Oh gods you are moving away!" Or "Oh gods she is changing!". Really people every one strives to make the life you live happy. I shouldn't have to justify it. I shouldn't have to feel like an apology should be in order.

When I weighed my choices, and what was good for me this was it. I am in my late 20's, I don't live forever. I want to explore, I want to be fucking happy. I have someone whom supports me for who I am. Someone who shares in the workload of life, who believes in the same work ethic, and believes in the same ideas of what a sex life should be. someone I don't have to scrafice the important things to, because he understands.

I have made mistakes in my life. It is not easy to make myself believe that "it will be ok" because the road is not always smooth. It takes violent turns and it isn't always roses. But I do my best to make decisions that will help me and not harm. Right now I am causing more harm than help. Let me help myself damn it, don't hold me down and smother me.

What ever happened to the belief of "And it cause no harm, do as you will"? Is this not valid for my life changing event? I will not apologize for my choices. I will not make excuses because I am going to truly live. Adventure, love, and believe that I will make dreams come true. With sweat and tears I will make things happen, and by my side someone that supports me.

Be mad, be sad, be unhappy, be happy, be whatever emotion you decide fitting. I will listen to my heart and intuition. Just know that it's my decision. I am making my world happy! If you don't like it then obviously you don't understand. Don't make me feel like I have to apologize for my decisions, it's just not right. Thanks for listening.

Am I ready?

The days are quickly counting down. About 9 weekends left, and I am truly thinking. "Am I ready?"

We bought our tickets, this week. I was able to choose the date. I thought about it, and it was a very difficult choice. I was thinking of my cat, and the stress it would put on her. So I made the decision to leave as quickly as possible. Like a band-aid just get it done, and be settled.

I hate change, and this one is HUGE! This one is moving quite far away, about 2k miles. I have to figure the time to not only spend with some friends before I leave, but also ensure that all of my loose ends are tied. That is a lot to do in about 9 weeks.

I have picked up a few things for the cat, and know that both of us need to get in for a dr appointment. So finding the time to schedule this, and get the rest of my possessions packed. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't terrified. The thought that goes through my mind is often, "Is this right?"

The last time I went there, it felt like home. It felt like I should be there. I am quite done with being lonely. I am done with only cooking dinner for myself, and having no one but myself to talk to in person. I am done with sleeping alone, and baking for co-workers. (not that I mind). I want to get that change of scenery and change of pace for life in general.

So to answer this question I keep asking myself, "Am I ready?" my answer is quite simple. "No, but I am ready for the next challenge and to have someone there to help me along." So, I will get things packed and shredded, along with getting my life put together before I go.

In Sickness and Independence

This week was one I was dreading for quite awhile. Not because it was a special week by any means. It was the week I got sick.

The sickness was a common cold but with me I am stubborn and I knew it was going to catch up with me. I hate being sick, and I hate missing work even more. (Especially when I know I am not getting paid) But this week I did catch that common cold that had been going around and boy did it knock me out.

The beginning of the week I believed it was allergies. Spring is coming and I know that I have a few allergies her and there. But after a few days it just got worse. With little or no sleep (about 6 or less hours of it a day) I knew that it was going to get me this weekend. I made do with tissues and Alieve Cold and Sinus ( my saviour most times) but this time it didn't work.

I finally on Friday threw in the towel and just called it a day. I called in sick, and was able to just sleep the day away. I had no night time drugs to help me sleep, and wearily I texted my neighbor (my old high school friend) to see if he had some I could use. He responded saying he did indeed have some and would be right over.

This week really showed me how much I hate being sick, and how much I had to fight to be well again. There were moments, I would have appreciated to have wheels or someone to take care of me. Getting the phone calls from not only the Boyfriend, but from my mum as well it made me feel just a little better.

After an entire day of sleep and soup I decided that Saturday I would just get out of the house. I figured some well deserved Vitamin D was in order. I hopped a bus and made a day of it. Pho, Coffee, and a stop at the drug store I was on my way to feeling better. It was when I got home I could tell I was still on the mend. I crawled into pj's and took a wonderful nap.

I woke up to my phone ringing to the tune of Black Eyed Peas' "Time of my Life", it was the Boyfriend. I couldn't help but smile. I answered in a sort of Groggy state, to his voice, and then shortly after, two other little voices. They were calling to check on me. I hadn't eaten dinner yet and it was about that time. We spent a few moments talking and it just made my night. It was like falling asleep and having a Lovie come over and kiss my lips to wake me, or having two kids crawl into bed with you in the morning. A moment I ever wonder if I will experience.

Then today, I saw that he and the kids went to see the newest Studio Ghibli movie that was in theaters. "The Secret World of Arrietty" I wanted to see it too, so I decided to take my self to a movie. I have never been to a Movie alone before, it was quite the experience. I enjoyed it the same. I had also walked the few blocks to do a few last errands before going home.

There is one thing that I loved about today, is the sense of Independence I had. The ability to just do what I wanted, and feel I could go anywhere. If there are two things I hope that I can accomplish after I move it is this. I hope that I don't have be sick and alone again, but if I am I would rather be sick and independent. Just as well, I hope that there will be moments where I can just go out, and walk somewhere. Hop a bus, or some other mode of transportation and just explore.

I love to explore new places, and today was one of those exploring days. This week was lonely, but yet I feel a certain calm about it. I did this by my self, with those who love me around to help support. I may be by myself for the next few months, but I am not alone. I am a little stronger today for it, because today I did something for myself. I also enjoyed every moment.

The Countdown Begins... NOW!

I haven't posted here in a while as things have been just crazy, and believe it or not it is just getting started. Since that cold January week a lot has transpired. I suppose I should fill you all in.

I did survive the Snowoclypse with only one fall. I was quite proud of myself! It was the very last day after all the snow had melted, and it was freezing. I had found one of the last pieces of Black Ice. Let my butt tell you how that felt. I had purchased some YakTrax the weekend before knowing that it would snow and be very icy. But because the snow had melted, I thought I didn't need them. Yeah... that was a mistake. Yes, I learned from that one.

Shortly after that, it was getting ready for these papers to be signed. At first I had no printer, no paper, no envelopes or the money to deal with this. (Let me tell you, you thought that getting married is expensive. ) We (The ex and I) finally got all the components ready, and mailed it out. In just enough time for our first target date (April 21st), but after having them come back with the statement of "I need more money for postage" I was just frustrated. I have somewhere to be people! I had to waste more stamps and an envelope to send it out AGAIN!

While waiting for those papers to get back, I started to pack and make plans for what we need to get done before Move #1. Oh yes, we get to move twice but I will get to that. We get the papers back, fairly quickly and we now have our date! It is a farther out than I expected but, we will make it work. We are now looking at May, early. I am getting excited, but then I realize it is officially 85 days today. Initiate panic mode!

We now file that one certain thing every year, Taxes. Wonderful! Yet because my and the Ex's taxes are difficult, (always have been) we go to a company whom can prepare our taxes for us. Of course because of the complexity, and extra forms it costs quite a bit. I ask how we are going to pay for it, he said he would pay for half. Fine, that is wonderful. Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you, it won't be until the following week. Wonderful I think, just wonderful. The second week of the month and you are expecting me to be able to pay this AND my bills. Right! I digress.

I get it done, sent and it is now on its way should be here soon! I get half as per the state laws (even though I made most of the money last year) and we will not have to cross paths until the sign date. Now I am sitting here thinking how much stuff is on my to do list. Lets list this out.

Pack for Missouri ( The First move)

Find a house to rent

Update my resume

Get a Local Missouri number for my cell phone

Find a job

Get my Student loans deferred.

Pay for the shipping crate

Pay for the 2 vet bills (the first one for general check up, second for the flight)

Pay for the cat carrier, harness and other necessary accessories.

Pay for my Doctor visit & prescriptions

Pay for 1 round trip flight, and 1 one way with Cat carry on.

Learn a new way of eating

Still maintain my work ethic under the stress of a dying job ( I recognize a sinking ship when I see one)

Commute, and not be exhausted

Maintain my relationship with my Boyfriend.

The list goes on, not to mention that once I am there I am going to be packing once again (which there should be very little) to move into a new house. You can feel the stress from not only myself but him too. Today I said that we need to start this teamwork bit, because we are not going to make it with our sanity if we keep going this way. (Two people working separately, yet for the same cause.)

So I am asking for him to put some of his stress upon me, as I request things of him. I tend to have more free time over the weekends, between sleeping and packing. He has a sense of Saint Louis, so if I search for houses, he can approve and do a drive by ( to look at it!). We need to start saving what little coins we have, and just make this happen. I will do my best to support him even though I am so very far away. I am not completely helpless, and would rather be in, what I call, the "War zone". I mean come on Sarge, I have proven I can do my job... Just look at me! I am ready! Let me go, let me help my team mates... They need re-enforcement, I AM THAT GIRL!

I have learned that we both lead a high stress lives, and will continue to be high stress until we have a place, a job for me and take a deep breath. This is where we start... the beginning. I passed the first test, living with him for two weeks. I think I passed the second test, staying with the kids for a week, and helping with the Holidays. I think this our third. We need to start passing each other the things that you can pass off. If you have time to cook, then cook. If you have time to search flights and get them paid, do it. If I need to call the airline to ensure that My ticket has the pet fee and register that we will have a cat. I will do it. This is the time where we really show what we are made of. I think we can make it do you?

Stress will come and go, but Love is there for a long time, only if you can ask for help when it is needed. I am here for you, as you are there for me. Teamwork. We... can.. do.. this! I have faith. We just have to keep our sanity for only 85 more days, then a break. Then we start again. Lets go Sarge!

Snowoclypse 2012

This week was our week to deal with the snow. Here in Seattle, we don't deal with snow. Our streets are hilly, and truthfully rain is our thing.

We started to get our powder on sunday. Where I live it melted all by monday night. But going into work we had an average of 2 to 3 agents maybe every day.

I take public transportation, so it has been easier for me to get there. It is just knowing it will be slow going. I was able to make it every day save Wed. The reason, I got stuck half way there. Got to Bellevue and I found out that the bus I needed didn't start until after 8am. Wait what?!?

Now, my only rule of getting to work is if the bus that takes me in front of the office isn't running, I don't come in. These buses only run for about 3 hours in the morning and about 3 hours in the evening.They are commuter buses So you can imagine how frustrating this can be.

Now nearly every day this week I have been able to get to work on time. Only Monday I was half hour late, and was able to make it up the next day. But Friday, I am on my way home, I stood out at the stop for an hour. Normally the Buses run every half hour or so.

While I was standing at this stop I get to thinking the buses dont run soon, what happens then? Well I have no one I can really call to come get me. I could get a cab but that is expensive. Or I could walk 2 miles to catch the nearest bus.

Mind you the roads where clear, nothing hindering the travel, the snow was finally melting. When I finally get on the first bus people say the previous busses were cancelled! There was no email, no alert, nothing. Not only was I frustrated that there wasn't a bus, but now to find out they were cancelled!

My commute is already 2 hours long I don't need bus drama ontop of it. It was there at the bus stop I realized, I am alone. I am truly alone... I don't have anyone here in state I can feel like I trust. I seem to lose friends rather than keep them. Maybe the card reader from last week is right... If I don't fix who I am and where I need to go soon I might be in the grave sooner than later.

I guess I have a lot of work ahead of me. I just hope the nightmare is over soon.

New years resolutions

Its that time of year again when everyone makes some sort of resolution. There are so many things that I could resolve to to this year, but why accomplish or strain to do them all. I thought very long and hard about the resolutions for 2012, the one that sticks out the most? That would be to be happy.

So much I have done to make others happy and waited to satisfy my own needs, that I can't just sacrafice myself for others. It may be my nature but I can't just keep killing myself this way. I just spent the last 10 years waiting, I don't want to wait anymore. This year is a huge one for me. A finalized divorce, a cross country move and a new way to think of the world around me.

This move to Saint Loius is huge, my first time living out of the Seattle area. My mother isn't happy, but I know she wants me to be free. I will admit I am a little scared to move so far from home. But really in order to accomplish something big you need to take chances. And this is my chance. I can't wait to be here, a just settle down. I think that there is so much to accomplish that I know that it will be awkward at first. But I will manage.

So much the way I think is based on the future. I really hope that my love can keep up.

My list for 2012 is the following
~ Be happy. Things will get you down, but you have to pick yourself up and brush yourself off to just keep on going.
~ Eat healthy. Make good choices and walk. Try to only have a soda a day, drink more water, and coffee with non fat milk.
~ Don't wait on your dreams. In any case chase dreams when all possible.
~ Write more, and socialize when I can. Blogging and making myself be a little more outgoing. Exploring things that I have never done.

I don't want to make it long just achievable. I do know that this last year I did accomplish one, I have started on the path to happiness. Thank you for all my listening. Until next year! .

Home sweet home

There was a saying that was stuck in my head since I was making my decent into Saint Louis. "home is where your heart is." and truly right now my heart is here. Don't get me wrong I love Seattle and would not trade growing up there for anything. My mum is there, my brother and family. But I have found that this place it feels homey for me. A sense of calm and that things will just be alright.

I suppose it could be that I have someone to snuggle at night, or it could be that these two kidlets are so sweet, or even the way I am welcomed in with open arms. But whatever brings me here I am just happy. I just can't wait to be here longer than a week or two at a time. But as days go by, I realize that there is so much to do. Until the day, I will think and savor each day that I am here.

We spent Christmas with the kids at their mums house and it was a hard sleep but well worth seeing their faces light up when they unwrapped each gift. She got some Tinkerbell and he got some Legos. I got a lovely necklace from his son. I could have just melted. When we went to have our big Christmas at their grandparents house more toys and cute things.

The three days before Christmas were the same, a little thing here and a little thing there. New traditions, and a lot of old. I look forward to starting our own traditions in our house. A living Christmas tree, and stockings, even baking cookies for everyone. Now we are at the boyfriend's brother's house with the kids. We spend each day chilling out, and getting pretty much nothing accomplished. But that is ok, because we both took vacation.

I am not sure if I could have asked for a better bunch of people to be with, but certainly it has made me smile. Little steps in the right direction will make a smile last a lifetime. It's not about how fast you get there as long as you are happy on the way. The thing I have learned so far is that life isn't about a smooth road to travel but the end destination.... I think. Either way I am spending my holiday with people that care.

I Am Happy and Nothing You Can Do Can Change It

There are a lot of times where I second guess myself. I have done this so many times in my life. I second guess my baking. I second guess my troubleshooting. I second guessed my degree. I even second guessed my major life choices, Divorce and my move.

I keep telling myself that if it feels right then it /IS/ right. When there is no directions, you have to make your own map. That is what I did, I made my own map. I consulted a few friends, and even consulted a few cards. Once I left I didn't think of going back. I had lost all feelings I may have had.

I have done wrong in my life. I know that I may have hurt a few. However, I made the decision and I have to deal with it. I was wondering what story was being told... and now I have found out. I found out the hard way. Thankfully it was through other channels but still I knew the story and wish he wouldn't take this road.

I am young. I am stupid. and I may be blonde. But when I have people asking me if I am okay... EVERY SINGLE DAY... You tend to wonder. "Am I really okay?"

I wasn't okay. I wasn't all right. I am happy with my decision and that is that. Forgive me or not. I only want to be happy, and right now I am the happiest I have been in a very long while. Even in the long distance relationship, when I am with him, when I am talking with him, I smile, I laugh I giggle.

I love this feeling. It could be the Honeymooners syndrome of our relationship. But even with the two weeks we were still functioning normally, as if we had been living with each other for a year or more. It was nice.

Regardless, I am thankful that the story came out. I can at least brace myself for it next time. And even at that... I keep telling myself that My Cookie Monster will stand by my side just as my family will. Because right now... I am happy, and I don't wanna change it.

Week two- Learning the Bus Route.

It's been two weeks in the apartment. All I can say, it is definitely a change. I went from having 2 other people in the house, to just little old me. There has been a lot of trial and error, and a lot of learning experiences.

Because the car fell through, and it wasn't something I could afford for the next Six months I decided (with help of course) to start riding the bus. It is great because Seattle has a wonderful Bus system. However, It required my schedule to be changed... a little. I used to be in work by 5am, getting out about 1:30pm. It was great because I could take the car and just be there and back only traffic at home holding me back. Also allowed the ex to take the car for his own errands.

When I told my manager I was moving out on my own, she said that she can work magic and boy did she ever. The first week I was driven, to allow me to get myself settled and ready to move on. I found the route and said the earliest I could get in was 7am. She waved her magic wand and the powers that be said "You shall be granted this schedule"

I never took this route, and routes were going to change as it was the seasonal change. That Monday, I showed up to work a half hour late. All because one bus broke down. I HATE being late. But that aside, after that moment I worked my own bus knowledge and was able to finagle a route that gets me there about 45 mins early! I love being bus savvy. Maybe I will have to work the same magic for when I move to Saint Louis, Missouri.

Either way, learning to survive on my own... it has been difficult but in some ways fun. Learning that I have a (to me) huge hill that I have to climb every night on the way home. Choosing my way home, and picking the right route to get me to the grocery store, (that was a very long day). Even finding the best way to move with the lovely Bus Pass I got for myself.

Being the Sunday before our Week Three if I can make this month, I have no worry about the rest of the 5 months. Many blessings to all those read...

Worries, and Realizations

Well another week down and only a few more days before the application goes into the new apartment. I am kinda scared but ready. It is very scary putting all of your eggs in one basket as I have. But I have faith that the Goddess will provide for me.

I look at my house right now, and just think that there is so much to still to do in the way of packing. I have a lot of things to move around, and no where to put it. I have for the past 3 years at least, have not had a "clean" house, with boxes everywhere. I am just ready to get this party started and purge a lot. Two waves of purging, lets rock!

Although, Yesterday I had a realization after reading a twitter message that asked: "Have you hugged someone today?" I had not hugged anyone in a few weeks. The last hug I got was from a friend whom has helped me find the place I am going to. This... this is new to me.

I am not used to not getting the loving touch every day. The hug, the kiss, the gentle caress that having someone that cares for you around gives you. I spoke to my special someone last night, and the conversation was genuine and I understood it. It is going to be hard, but I have to thrive for tomorrow.

It may not be easy but it is doable. The one thing I must have is patience, and know that it will end soon and it will be a lot easier when I am not so far away. But still my question is does the pain of not having someone not close by to just comfort you in times of need really go away? Does this want to be in someone's lap ever die when after so long you wish for it to be so?

I really do hope that after all is said and done... it gets just a little easier. I don't want to be dead, or emotionless, but I don't want to hurt. I just know that my cell phone, EQ2, G-chat, and Skype will help me get through the hard parts. I have faith that everything will work out it has to.

A new direction

I have to admit that the last few months have been nothing but reflection, understanding and action There is a lot that has gone on since my last post. I suppose I should catch you up.

January, I said that I had a plane ticket. I did, I went to see a good friend who has become something more to me. I told the spouse that I was going to live in Missouri for two weeks come April. There was nothing stopping me I was going, I needed a break and I needed to see someone whom I knew I cared for deeply.

The lease came up in March just like I had stated before, I couldn't afford to leave then because I was still unsure. I still didn't know if this was the right thing to do. I had to get out and think, feel my options and really know how it is to live for awhile. I signed another 6 month lease.

The days quickly counted down, the question came up many times, "Are you coming back?" What did they mean, I was pulling away. How can you not think I was, I was hurt, and neglected. Regardless, April came and I was on a plane to Missouri. Just me. Two weeks of me, him, his two beautiful kids and his ex's family. It was definitely a change of pace.

We saw a few sites, played a little of my online game EverQuest 2, and even had a few wonderful dates. Learned that even though I have lived in Washington my entire life, the two weeks in Missouri made me feel at home. I met a lot of people in Saint Louis, a lot of his friends; all welcoming and inviting. Even celebrated Easter together. As those two weeks flew past, I got compliments from my online friends, that you seem relaxed, and "your old self again" comments. I questioned, "Was I not "me" back at home?"

I regretfully flew back home three days after the Good Friday Tornado hit the Airport. (We think it was a sign saying I should have stayed.) I could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking, why am I not here. I was happy, I was alive again. I then thought of the time I spend at home, every day my routine: Wake up, go to work, come home, Play EQ2 and go to bed. That's it every day, and I just feel like I have been trapped.

I got home, that night and my spouse had asked me how my trip was. I was short and stated that I had fun. It was that night I made my soft decision, I needed out. I was tired of being tied down, supporting two people. One of which in his own right should be at least helping in so many ways, and being able to just not let me be the only one being able to pay rent every month.

I was kept up until "Oh gods" late and then was to be to work the next morning at 5 am. It was a few more days after that, that the decision became my "Final answer". I told him I couldn't do this. I cared for him, but I can't say that "I love you" anymore.

I have tried to fix the issues we have, I have tried to help you find a job that you just can't seem to find. And to be honest, he couldn't please me the way that I needed or was used to. I was always taking what my mother has always taught me, "Some day it will get better" But it has been 10 years, and sadly it never got better. It was the same, it was me supporting him and a family member. It was me ensuring that he remembered things, it was always late bills, and threats of disconnections.

I was tired of it. I told him that once this lease was up, I was moving out. On my own. To learn about ME. To learn that I can take care of myself, and make ME a better person. I will give you a legal separation for 6 months, and we will take it from there. I am not optimistic of his change. And even if he does change, I just don't think it will be enough. I think that this experience has made me realize that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me, and have someone to share those moments with.

It is difficult now being August and tomorrow being about 30 days until I am signing a new lease on my own studio apartment. The guilt I feel, the support I am getting, and the stress that everything will be okay; it is daunting, absolutely daunting.

My new direction has a lot more to go, but I do know that I will make it. And even better, I have a plan to make it happen. I will be living life for me not for anyone else. I just hope that a special someone will share that with me.