In loving memory of Diane C. Peck

Found in my Grandparent's Garden

There are two women in my life that mean the world to me; my mother and my grandmother. They both were there in times of need, and supported me when I needed it. Both helped raise me and mold me into the woman that I am today. 

July 29th, I got a call from my dad that my grandmother was ill and in the hospital. I knew she was fighting a heart issue and has been for the better part of the past year. My mother called a few moments to then tell me that it isn't good and that I needed come home. 

Grandma, Me, and Mom

Her blood pressure is down and she is holding on. I can't get home quite yet. This woman is so important to me that I am devastated to know that my last time seeing her was this last spring. 

I kept my last promise to her; I came home this year.  I showed her I was happy and that in a small way  she has great grand-kids. 

My grandmother taught us so very many lessons. She taught us the importance of independence, education, to laugh and to love. She even taught us to humor life, and always be the optimist. She would do things with the intent to make others smile. 

She loved her garden. Even on my last visit with her she was excited to just get back out there and be in her garden. She grew lots of things  from wine grapes, to zucchini, to pumpkins, to her poppy flowers.

Pumpkin Party

I remember the pumpkin parties. Where our family would gather and celebrate the harvest of the pumpkins. Any excuse to see her grand-kids
she would accept. She would come out as our wicked witch (green face and wart included) and lead all the grand-kids to her garden.   Her license plate cover even  said " her other car was a broom"

I often called her, and giving her updates on life, seeking honest sage advice. And when she worried she would call, asking how everyone was doing. I think all of us grand-kids at one point or another came over with our new boyfriend, or girlfriend seeking approval from grandma. As we saw That she understood the key to a good relationship. She was with grandpa for more than 30 years. And even the smallest visit turned into at least dinner, she insisted. 

Purchase of a New Car

My last visit with my grandmother was not only a promise kept, but unknowingly my last time being able to seek advice. With my step kids running about the house exploring such a wonder I stopped to ask her about her love with my grandfather. In a newer relationship of my own, I has to know if I was doing it right. I mean at least 30 years, you have to be doing something right. I asked "Grandma, do you and grandpa ever really fight? I never have seen it and really am curious." I really think she was taken aback of such a question but she did have an answer. "Of course, but they were never screaming matches. They were more than just quiet disagreements. Life and love is about compromise and teamwork. There will be moments that you will have to stand your ground on something that you are passionate about, but that is how it goes." A smile and hug later, as the kids got antsy and ready to go, she also gave the smart response of " it also gets better when the kids grow up and move out." 

Her sense of humor rubbed off on not only her kids, but her grand-kids too. She always knew how to make you smile. My grandmother was crafty, loving, loved her box wine, her gardening, to travel, books and of all things she loved her husband the most.  I will miss calling and talking to her about what is new, and how the kids are growing like weeds. I will miss her smile and her big hugs.  I will miss my grandmother, my favorite little yellow bird. 

How I Remember my grandmother

Moving a new direction

It's been a few months since I have posted here. I suppose I should catch you up, and let you know my goals from here on out with this blog.

A lot has happened since my last post. The summer was fast, but it was very pleasant for us. We did as much as we could with the allowed money, and time we were granted. I have been able to spend the summer with the kids, and create a few memories as a family. We have explored the Science Center, The Botanical Gardens, Visited the Zoo, and even a few parks. We have done a lot and I will be posting a few here on this blog and additional memories as well as they happen, and as I have photographs.

It is now Fall, and as the days get colder, I am sure we will accomplish more. I have obtained a full time job at our local Cable Company. So things are looking up. This weekend we have a con, and the following we have the kids.

I think our goal is to start our traditions this year. Pairing down the things we want/need to do for each year. I look forward to enjoying time with our family through out the coming years and seeing both kids grow, as my and my Lovie's relationship grow.

This blog is now changing from helping me to continue, to documenting a new sort of life that we are carving for ourselves. To get good pictures, and just doing small scrap moments for us.

June 2012

April 2011

Because moments like this.... you just can't re-create.

(I will be back posting to get caught up)

3 months and counting

Three months and counting, that is how long I have been unemployed. That is how long I have been struggling to find work. It has been hard to only have three interviews in the past three months, and wait for someone to call and the phone doesn't ring.

I have searched, nothing but one perspective, and they won't call. Today, it just got harder and I knew it was going to come. So now it is thinking outside the box. Instead of technical support positions, I will now look to retail.

I have never done retail, and I am sorta terrified at even attempting it but I need not be scared. It can't be that scary right?

Regardless I have to step up to my game, and go full force into the workforce. I must not feel this useless, I know I am not but this has to stop. Feelings I have been having are no good to me, nor my situation.

There is so much that I want to and need to get done. So for the time being I need to cast the feelings aside and make the most of it.

On a brighter note, we did have the kids for a week and a half, it was wonderful! We enjoyed them as much as they enjoyed it here. We had some family and friends come over, we did some Little Gym make up classes, and even went to BATTL with our friends. We ended the entire thing watching some metor showers at their mum's house.

His kid started first.grade this week, and I am sure we will hear all about it when he and his sister come over. I am excited to be there for them, and help in anyway. I may not be there for them every day, but at least I can make a difference in their lives. I hope.

Although, I can't complain much about the time I have spent here so far. I know now that the vacation is over, and I am going to do something about this fairy tale because it can't end like this. As always I am optimistic, and ready to take on anything. Just think, I will be making the most out of what we have, and making it better.

We will win, at least our story has already taken a new turn. Stick together and we can accomplish anything!

With love,
Kitty

Kids, Paleo and Parenthood

I have been in Saint Louis for nearly two months in July. So much I have learned, and still feel I have a lot to go.

There is something different about helping raise children with your mate. It is even far more different being just a weekend parent. It gives you the flexability during the week to do some adult things like bars, and being in little to nothing during the day. However on the flip side, on the weekends we are asked... "Come out to sing on Saturday's!" "I am sorry we have the kids on the weekends."

Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy bar hopping and singing just like the next girl. However, there is something about having the kids in the house. The moments where you stand in the living room and teach them how to jump rope, how to literally count backwards to 1, and reading bed time stories. Making dinner, and coming to the aid if they have injured themselves.

However, there are moments that I just am not sure that I am really a "parent". There are moments that I feel as if I am just "dad's Girlfriend". There are moments where they don't listen, they deliberately disobey and ignore my statements. It isn't until I am backed up by Lovie, or their Mum do they listen. I fear my boundaries, and don't know how to push where I am comfortable. I know that parenting is just a learning journey. I know that in time... I will be the best "Parent" that I know to be.

Speaking of the kids, we have learned how to eat mostly of the diet called "Paleo". Mostly protein, fruit, and veggies. No legumes, and dairy, only exceptions is Cheese. So far we have done well, finding pancakes, and dinners, and lunches that are healthy. Working on myself to see if I can loose the weight and be healthier. The kids have eaten most of my dinners, and the food that I have prepared. Even found a pancake recipe that didn't suck. Paleo is not my kind of diet... but if I can do it for the kids.. why not.

Still no work, but I am applying to most places in hopes they think I am worthy. However with no call backs, no words, Nothing! My optimism is slowly waning. I dislike being home all the time, and being a "house Girlfriend".  I need to keep my head up because this is what I need. Sometimes, it takes a little longer than you would hope. I will put myself together again. It will take love, and patience.

Two Weeks to go!

So much emotion running through right now. I have two weeks to go, until our move date. My love and I are looking forward to it. The start of something new, and fresh.

To catch everyone up, we found a place in Creve Coeur, Missouri. A wonderful 3 bedroom town house. It isn't perfect but as we both believe, we are not perfect. It seems to be cozy, and has it's quirks but it is home. He moved in last week, and in two weeks I will be moving in with my cat.

I have a second interview with the first company that I have decided to place my application with. They know I need some help and learning with Linux, and a little with the command line in Windows, but I have the basics. I am intelligent, and know what I am talking about. Now to attempt to nail the second interview once I am in town.

I am not sure if this move has been harder on my friends than on myself. Trying to do the last minute things, seeing people and things that I have wanted to. I shouldn't thing think this is goodbye but yet, I will be back. I know that I am coming back home. It will be awhile, but I suppose I never thought I would leave Seattle. But after being here for about 27 years, I am thinking it is time to explore.

Nearly done packing, getting everything ready. This is my last week of solid packing, and today I found something that I thought I had lost. When I was in high school my grandfather started writing a book about his trucking. My grandfather was a trucker, nearly life long trucker. He was proud of his accomplishments, and being able to see all continental 49 states. The only ones he didn't get to see with his trucking was Alaska and Hawaii (no roads to Hawaii).

His death came this year, it was expected but still somewhat sudden. I hadn't seen him in years, since I was in High School. I had just received the pamphlet that was given out for his funeral, but finding his book. It makes me think of how much I know I am going to miss him. My grandfather, a wonder of no belief, a strong soul., a worker and someone whom did not show fear to change. As I go forward, and explore the US and the World, I can't help to think that I am like him in some way, a traveler. I am going to create memories that will last me a long time.

Two weeks until I make my biggest jump ever, I am ready, I have been ready and truly look forward to the adventure. Thank you everyone that supports me!

Four weeks to go!

Well we are in the final four weeks of our count down. Everything is just starting to fall into  place. Which I have no complaints about, we need things to be smooth.

I put my application into a company for a tier 2. We had scheduled an interview, but it had to be rescheduled. In the mean time I have been studying my little heart out. I have wonderful friends, and an even better partner to help. I got the call Monday to have it scheduled for Wednesday. I..am..terrified! I want this to work out, be somewhat easy... I have this feeling it wont be.

We have been searching for apartments as of late. We found quite a few but two caught our eye. We applied, and we were accepted on one, waiting to hear back on the second. We want the second place more than the first... But with things stacked against us, we will work it out.

So lets check list here,
Job- interview tomorrow
House- got one hiring hoping for the other
Packed- about 85% done.
Cat- ready for flight, last appointment scheduled
Notice on current place- check, have balance
My health checkup- check, prescriptions refilled
Sanity- lost that months ago
Stress level-out of control
Flight tickets-purchased
Rental car-not yet working on it
The relocube- reserved, will need to call soon.
Legal papers-will sign soon

I am so ready to go. I feel like I am playing Tetris. I am placing them where they should go but afraid it won't work. I have faith that things will work. I am sure. More updates soon!

Excuse me, it's my decision.

I shouldn't have to feel like I have to apologize for my decision to move. I am striving to make myself happier by moving closer to a loved one. I am quitting a job that makes me kinda happy for a job that will make me happier. I am moving from my little nest to an overall happier life. I am working towards a better me.

Why is it when I work towards something that makes me happy everyone gets in a tizzies because "Oh gods you are moving away!" Or "Oh gods she is changing!". Really people every one strives to make the life you live happy. I shouldn't have to justify it. I shouldn't have to feel like an apology should be in order.

When I weighed my choices, and what was good for me this was it. I am in my late 20's, I don't live forever. I want to explore, I want to be fucking happy. I have someone whom supports me for who I am. Someone who shares in the workload of life, who believes in the same work ethic, and believes in the same ideas of what a sex life should be. someone I don't have to scrafice the important things to, because he understands.

I have made mistakes in my life. It is not easy to make myself believe that "it will be ok" because the road is not always smooth. It takes violent turns and it isn't always roses. But I do my best to make decisions that will help me and not harm. Right now I am causing more harm than help. Let me help myself damn it, don't hold me down and smother me.

What ever happened to the belief of "And it cause no harm, do as you will"? Is this not valid for my life changing event? I will not apologize for my choices. I will not make excuses because I am going to truly live. Adventure, love, and believe that I will make dreams come true. With sweat and tears I will make things happen, and by my side someone that supports me.

Be mad, be sad, be unhappy, be happy, be whatever emotion you decide fitting. I will listen to my heart and intuition. Just know that it's my decision. I am making my world happy! If you don't like it then obviously you don't understand. Don't make me feel like I have to apologize for my decisions, it's just not right. Thanks for listening.

In Sickness and Independence

This week was one I was dreading for quite awhile. Not because it was a special week by any means. It was the week I got sick.

The sickness was a common cold but with me I am stubborn and I knew it was going to catch up with me. I hate being sick, and I hate missing work even more. (Especially when I know I am not getting paid) But this week I did catch that common cold that had been going around and boy did it knock me out.

The beginning of the week I believed it was allergies. Spring is coming and I know that I have a few allergies her and there. But after a few days it just got worse. With little or no sleep (about 6 or less hours of it a day) I knew that it was going to get me this weekend. I made do with tissues and Alieve Cold and Sinus ( my saviour most times) but this time it didn't work.

I finally on Friday threw in the towel and just called it a day. I called in sick, and was able to just sleep the day away. I had no night time drugs to help me sleep, and wearily I texted my neighbor (my old high school friend) to see if he had some I could use. He responded saying he did indeed have some and would be right over.

This week really showed me how much I hate being sick, and how much I had to fight to be well again. There were moments, I would have appreciated to have wheels or someone to take care of me. Getting the phone calls from not only the Boyfriend, but from my mum as well it made me feel just a little better.

After an entire day of sleep and soup I decided that Saturday I would just get out of the house. I figured some well deserved Vitamin D was in order. I hopped a bus and made a day of it. Pho, Coffee, and a stop at the drug store I was on my way to feeling better. It was when I got home I could tell I was still on the mend. I crawled into pj's and took a wonderful nap.

I woke up to my phone ringing to the tune of Black Eyed Peas' "Time of my Life", it was the Boyfriend. I couldn't help but smile. I answered in a sort of Groggy state, to his voice, and then shortly after, two other little voices. They were calling to check on me. I hadn't eaten dinner yet and it was about that time. We spent a few moments talking and it just made my night. It was like falling asleep and having a Lovie come over and kiss my lips to wake me, or having two kids crawl into bed with you in the morning. A moment I ever wonder if I will experience.

Then today, I saw that he and the kids went to see the newest Studio Ghibli movie that was in theaters. "The Secret World of Arrietty" I wanted to see it too, so I decided to take my self to a movie. I have never been to a Movie alone before, it was quite the experience. I enjoyed it the same. I had also walked the few blocks to do a few last errands before going home.

There is one thing that I loved about today, is the sense of Independence I had. The ability to just do what I wanted, and feel I could go anywhere. If there are two things I hope that I can accomplish after I move it is this. I hope that I don't have be sick and alone again, but if I am I would rather be sick and independent. Just as well, I hope that there will be moments where I can just go out, and walk somewhere. Hop a bus, or some other mode of transportation and just explore.

I love to explore new places, and today was one of those exploring days. This week was lonely, but yet I feel a certain calm about it. I did this by my self, with those who love me around to help support. I may be by myself for the next few months, but I am not alone. I am a little stronger today for it, because today I did something for myself. I also enjoyed every moment.