Video Games, I love them and enjoy spending my time playing. This is my way to de-stress, and speak to not only my loved one, but my support network. But when things like major updates get pushed through that break things, I get frustrated.
We just had a major update last Thursday in EverQuest 2 (EQ2) and well lets just say we as a community have not been happy. Everything from Hats that are marked as Footwear, and Cloaks that are marked as pants to being Locked out of guild halls it is just a huge mess. I have been bearing with the constant AA respecs, and guild hall bugs. I seriously hope that come expansion day in November it will all be fixed, and the expansion itself is not laced with as my loved one says, "Show-Stopping" bugs like the guild hall bug.
That games aside I have decided that you know I can't just dwell but they need to know. Regardless I over the weekend had the great urge to bake. I have always had to stifle my urges to bake during the summer, because of heat issues and the now ex. Also depression had kicked in over drive and just have not felt the urge to.
But this last weekend I just said you know what Fuck it, I am gonna bake. And I did.. a full batch of Chocolate cupcakes, and some homemade frosting. I mean the cupcakes didn't turn out, as my KitchenAid has been broken, but I still did my best and made them. I also dislike store bought frosting and always make my own. A little milk and some sugar and vanilla, Voila frosting!
However, this cupcake story has a crappy ending as I was told that "because the frosting was made with milk it had spoiled when I left them out over the night". To that I said you know what, to be brutally honest, my recipe stated nothing of the sort. But if you feel the need to toss them fine. They proceeded to then do some research, and I had thrown them out for their non word of being spoiled. They had asked a friend whom doesn't have a lot of experience but I suppose they trusted her more then I and she said they are fine.
Fifteen Minutes after they were in the trash they tell me such. I decided until Moving day is complete, I will not bake in this house. At all. I am tired of such assumptions that I don't know what I am doing. I want to be a baker, and I know about something. I am never afraid to admit I am wrong but, seriously. I could be over-reacting but to finally be wanting to make something, and to have it be said oh.. it is spoiled because you didn't put them away. Just done.
As you all know I am moving and will have very little to take with me. I was worrying about where I was going to sleep, be it the floor or a borrowed Air bed that my brother would lend me. My high school friend said "Hey come over here this weekend and meet your new apartment. The person in your new apartment is having a house sale. Most of it is free!" I said hey why not lets go, I have maybe $20 to spend lets see what we can find. I had bought a Bed, Microwave and Microwave stand for $15.00 that day. She also said she was leaving a plant outside for me to!
I heard word from the same friend today, the one whom has referred me to the apartments; He said that the previous tenant left me more things for my move in. A Vacuum and a light! This makes me so very happy because it was not more than a few days ago I was telling my loved one that I was not going to not have one in my new place. (I have lived far too long with out one)
I can't thank this person enough; It is nice to to be receiving things when I am in a small need of a light that isn't an oncoming train. I will have to remember when I move again to pay it forward for the next person. It is moments like today that make me realize that even through all the frustrations, there is someone whom can make you smile.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Worries, and Realizations
Well another week down and only a few more days before the application goes into the new apartment. I am kinda scared but ready. It is very scary putting all of your eggs in one basket as I have. But I have faith that the Goddess will provide for me.
I look at my house right now, and just think that there is so much to still to do in the way of packing. I have a lot of things to move around, and no where to put it. I have for the past 3 years at least, have not had a "clean" house, with boxes everywhere. I am just ready to get this party started and purge a lot. Two waves of purging, lets rock!
Although, Yesterday I had a realization after reading a twitter message that asked: "Have you hugged someone today?" I had not hugged anyone in a few weeks. The last hug I got was from a friend whom has helped me find the place I am going to. This... this is new to me.
I am not used to not getting the loving touch every day. The hug, the kiss, the gentle caress that having someone that cares for you around gives you. I spoke to my special someone last night, and the conversation was genuine and I understood it. It is going to be hard, but I have to thrive for tomorrow.
It may not be easy but it is doable. The one thing I must have is patience, and know that it will end soon and it will be a lot easier when I am not so far away. But still my question is does the pain of not having someone not close by to just comfort you in times of need really go away? Does this want to be in someone's lap ever die when after so long you wish for it to be so?
I really do hope that after all is said and done... it gets just a little easier. I don't want to be dead, or emotionless, but I don't want to hurt. I just know that my cell phone, EQ2, G-chat, and Skype will help me get through the hard parts. I have faith that everything will work out it has to.
I look at my house right now, and just think that there is so much to still to do in the way of packing. I have a lot of things to move around, and no where to put it. I have for the past 3 years at least, have not had a "clean" house, with boxes everywhere. I am just ready to get this party started and purge a lot. Two waves of purging, lets rock!
Although, Yesterday I had a realization after reading a twitter message that asked: "Have you hugged someone today?" I had not hugged anyone in a few weeks. The last hug I got was from a friend whom has helped me find the place I am going to. This... this is new to me.
I am not used to not getting the loving touch every day. The hug, the kiss, the gentle caress that having someone that cares for you around gives you. I spoke to my special someone last night, and the conversation was genuine and I understood it. It is going to be hard, but I have to thrive for tomorrow.
It may not be easy but it is doable. The one thing I must have is patience, and know that it will end soon and it will be a lot easier when I am not so far away. But still my question is does the pain of not having someone not close by to just comfort you in times of need really go away? Does this want to be in someone's lap ever die when after so long you wish for it to be so?
I really do hope that after all is said and done... it gets just a little easier. I don't want to be dead, or emotionless, but I don't want to hurt. I just know that my cell phone, EQ2, G-chat, and Skype will help me get through the hard parts. I have faith that everything will work out it has to.
Friday, August 19, 2011
A new direction
I have to admit that the last few months have been nothing but reflection, understanding and action There is a lot that has gone on since my last post. I suppose I should catch you up.
January, I said that I had a plane ticket. I did, I went to see a good friend who has become something more to me. I told the spouse that I was going to live in Missouri for two weeks come April. There was nothing stopping me I was going, I needed a break and I needed to see someone whom I knew I cared for deeply.
The lease came up in March just like I had stated before, I couldn't afford to leave then because I was still unsure. I still didn't know if this was the right thing to do. I had to get out and think, feel my options and really know how it is to live for awhile. I signed another 6 month lease.
The days quickly counted down, the question came up many times, "Are you coming back?" What did they mean, I was pulling away. How can you not think I was, I was hurt, and neglected. Regardless, April came and I was on a plane to Missouri. Just me. Two weeks of me, him, his two beautiful kids and his ex's family. It was definitely a change of pace.
We saw a few sites, played a little of my online game EverQuest 2, and even had a few wonderful dates. Learned that even though I have lived in Washington my entire life, the two weeks in Missouri made me feel at home. I met a lot of people in Saint Louis, a lot of his friends; all welcoming and inviting. Even celebrated Easter together. As those two weeks flew past, I got compliments from my online friends, that you seem relaxed, and "your old self again" comments. I questioned, "Was I not "me" back at home?"
I regretfully flew back home three days after the Good Friday Tornado hit the Airport. (We think it was a sign saying I should have stayed.) I could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking, why am I not here. I was happy, I was alive again. I then thought of the time I spend at home, every day my routine: Wake up, go to work, come home, Play EQ2 and go to bed. That's it every day, and I just feel like I have been trapped.
I got home, that night and my spouse had asked me how my trip was. I was short and stated that I had fun. It was that night I made my soft decision, I needed out. I was tired of being tied down, supporting two people. One of which in his own right should be at least helping in so many ways, and being able to just not let me be the only one being able to pay rent every month.
I was kept up until "Oh gods" late and then was to be to work the next morning at 5 am. It was a few more days after that, that the decision became my "Final answer". I told him I couldn't do this. I cared for him, but I can't say that "I love you" anymore.
I have tried to fix the issues we have, I have tried to help you find a job that you just can't seem to find. And to be honest, he couldn't please me the way that I needed or was used to. I was always taking what my mother has always taught me, "Some day it will get better" But it has been 10 years, and sadly it never got better. It was the same, it was me supporting him and a family member. It was me ensuring that he remembered things, it was always late bills, and threats of disconnections.
I was tired of it. I told him that once this lease was up, I was moving out. On my own. To learn about ME. To learn that I can take care of myself, and make ME a better person. I will give you a legal separation for 6 months, and we will take it from there. I am not optimistic of his change. And even if he does change, I just don't think it will be enough. I think that this experience has made me realize that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me, and have someone to share those moments with.
It is difficult now being August and tomorrow being about 30 days until I am signing a new lease on my own studio apartment. The guilt I feel, the support I am getting, and the stress that everything will be okay; it is daunting, absolutely daunting.
My new direction has a lot more to go, but I do know that I will make it. And even better, I have a plan to make it happen. I will be living life for me not for anyone else. I just hope that a special someone will share that with me.
January, I said that I had a plane ticket. I did, I went to see a good friend who has become something more to me. I told the spouse that I was going to live in Missouri for two weeks come April. There was nothing stopping me I was going, I needed a break and I needed to see someone whom I knew I cared for deeply.
The lease came up in March just like I had stated before, I couldn't afford to leave then because I was still unsure. I still didn't know if this was the right thing to do. I had to get out and think, feel my options and really know how it is to live for awhile. I signed another 6 month lease.
The days quickly counted down, the question came up many times, "Are you coming back?" What did they mean, I was pulling away. How can you not think I was, I was hurt, and neglected. Regardless, April came and I was on a plane to Missouri. Just me. Two weeks of me, him, his two beautiful kids and his ex's family. It was definitely a change of pace.
We saw a few sites, played a little of my online game EverQuest 2, and even had a few wonderful dates. Learned that even though I have lived in Washington my entire life, the two weeks in Missouri made me feel at home. I met a lot of people in Saint Louis, a lot of his friends; all welcoming and inviting. Even celebrated Easter together. As those two weeks flew past, I got compliments from my online friends, that you seem relaxed, and "your old self again" comments. I questioned, "Was I not "me" back at home?"
I regretfully flew back home three days after the Good Friday Tornado hit the Airport. (We think it was a sign saying I should have stayed.) I could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking, why am I not here. I was happy, I was alive again. I then thought of the time I spend at home, every day my routine: Wake up, go to work, come home, Play EQ2 and go to bed. That's it every day, and I just feel like I have been trapped.
I got home, that night and my spouse had asked me how my trip was. I was short and stated that I had fun. It was that night I made my soft decision, I needed out. I was tired of being tied down, supporting two people. One of which in his own right should be at least helping in so many ways, and being able to just not let me be the only one being able to pay rent every month.
I was kept up until "Oh gods" late and then was to be to work the next morning at 5 am. It was a few more days after that, that the decision became my "Final answer". I told him I couldn't do this. I cared for him, but I can't say that "I love you" anymore.
I have tried to fix the issues we have, I have tried to help you find a job that you just can't seem to find. And to be honest, he couldn't please me the way that I needed or was used to. I was always taking what my mother has always taught me, "Some day it will get better" But it has been 10 years, and sadly it never got better. It was the same, it was me supporting him and a family member. It was me ensuring that he remembered things, it was always late bills, and threats of disconnections.
I was tired of it. I told him that once this lease was up, I was moving out. On my own. To learn about ME. To learn that I can take care of myself, and make ME a better person. I will give you a legal separation for 6 months, and we will take it from there. I am not optimistic of his change. And even if he does change, I just don't think it will be enough. I think that this experience has made me realize that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me, and have someone to share those moments with.
It is difficult now being August and tomorrow being about 30 days until I am signing a new lease on my own studio apartment. The guilt I feel, the support I am getting, and the stress that everything will be okay; it is daunting, absolutely daunting.
My new direction has a lot more to go, but I do know that I will make it. And even better, I have a plan to make it happen. I will be living life for me not for anyone else. I just hope that a special someone will share that with me.
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