Expectations

Expectation
noun

1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

I am in transition, this state of constant motion. A moving target if you will. I have been trying for nearly a month to settle myself. But going from having a car to bus travel, has been very, very difficult.

I expect that I will be settled by the time that I am just about ready to move again. (Yes, I did say Move again) I am out of my house for a total of 13 hours right now. I barely have enough time to pet, feed and water the cat every day let alone my own Need to do list. I am exhausted beyond belief because I am trying to over extend myself. I know this and I know I need to stop.

I also appreciate people telling me every chance they get that they miss me. I miss you too... believe me when I tell you that I have been wanting to be home earlier but there is just only so much you can do. You say, "Hey, Lets get together sometime. How about (insert day here)?" I have this expectation that this date is okay with you, and you have this scheduled aside.

But when I am here, and you are not, or have other plans it really hurts. I have taken the effort to be there, to actually get myself ready... and to be stood up, or dismissed. Ouch dude... just ouch. Or the backhanded comment of "I didn't expect you to show up?"

Am I not that trustworthy to you? Do you not believe that I keep my promises or apologize profusely because I can't make it because my eyes burn like the sun, and I am falling asleep while standing?

I have standards now. I have expectations. I have a Life now. I may have been able to spend a lot of time with everyone, but now... I barely have time to spend with my Boyfriend. (Again, yes I did say boyfriend) Where do you come in this list? You are not dead last, but you are below the most important things, Myself and then the boyfriend, then you.

Please be patient as I wait for my normal day to day life to continue to struggle to find my norm. Please excuse my abrupt, and absent ways. I am not the woman I used to be. I am now fighting to find my own self. I am fighting to keep my head above the emotional sea of change. I know that I have a ton of support from everyone that I touch. But I can't be everywhere at once.

I love you all... but damn it let me figure this out... and if this means I need to get off the radar then I will. Because I am self empowering, and I want to get to next month, and beyond.

The Small Things Count

In so many cases in any relationship the small things count. In a discussion I had I realized just that. The simple hug, the simple phone call on the way home to ask "I'm on my way home. What's for dinner?" or even the simple "Honey can you pick up some milk on the way home?"

In a short distance relationship, it is hard to remember to do these little things. It is hard to see those little things, and understand the importance to you. They are just the every day things that you do for one another.

In a long distance relationship, you start to crave these little things. A kiss on the lips, and the cuddle in bed. The simple brush of the bangs and kiss on the nose telling you it's gonna be OK. You are now seeing the importance to you.

Being in the long distance relationship I am in I find that by nature alone I do this. I text him saying "Yay! On my way home!" But there is no bitter sweet end to this, because when I open the door he is not there. It is quiet. I realize once again, he is only on my phone, or the internet, or my game of choice.

They say that you don't realize you had/have a good thing until it is taken from you. I am seeing this, and it has taken a lot to get used to. However I am adjusting slowly. I count the days... diligently.

Mind you a long distance relationship is a lot about patience, and communication. And both of us have this and a whole lot of trust. I just know that we have to remember the little things. Internet hugs, phone kisses, the text at 3 in the morning saying that you were thinking about them, and even the heartfelt email with a small poem in it when you can't sleep. It is those small things that keep you going.

Stepping out of the Box

I realize now that I am some what of a sort of Single but damn I am already seeing a trend... a kind of bad one to be bluntly honest. My eating habits are definitely not what I want them to be.

My goal really is to be healthy, and to be happy. Now I have someone whom will help me.. only problem is that he is over 2,000 miles away right now. In 6 months, we will be able to work on this but until then my bus commute will help.

But in order for me to be healthy and happy I need to start to eat that way. So back to this trend, I found these box dinners. They don't have MSG, or any thing that could be considered "Bad".. but it is BOXED. Believe me when I say, I don't mind it. But one thing that I need to learn is how to cook "Outside" the box.

It is hard to find something that is quick and yummy, perferably within season. I tend for the easy route, but know that my future is not quick. I most of the time have no initiative on this because I am just cooking for myself. Why good a meal that you would put on a table for a family for just you?

So I propose for myself at least two nights where I learn to cook something "Different" and Healthy. Now to pick those days and figure out WHAT I want to cook. I need to try kid friendly and adult friendly too! Any suggestions?

The Power of the Hug- Week 3

In my 20 plus years I have experienced, I have not once had so many days together coming home to an empty house. Its been two weeks going on three, and this adjustment has been rough. The last few days I have been going home a little down. It is sooo hard to admit that I may have been dependent upon that human interaction when I walked in that door.

It makes me wonder how people can do it everyday. Come home to quiet (save my case my cat meowing at me.) No one to hug hello, or tell of your day while cooking dinner. I mean I see the ups of this "Single life". There's no explaining where you where, or why you are late. You can have what you want for dinner, and play games until you know you HAVE to go to bed.

But I think that because I was raised by a mom that believed in hugs as medicine is why this is so important to me. You have a bad day? Mom was there to say "Oh here is a hug it will be OK just tell me about it." You are sick? "Well lets give you a hug, and some medicine to help make you better." I guess not getting the loving hold after a long day is really missed. that human touch is necessary, I believe, to being a normal functioning part of society (or at least for me).

How have I coped? So far I have logged into EQ2 and push people away. Some try their best to inquire and I have just physically and emotionally pushed them away. However there is one whom regardless of the antisocial temperament, he has yet to let me go to sleep in this Anti-social state. The discussions we have a foundation of our growing relationship. Most of the credit goes to him; there are those whom try their best but don't know how they can help from so far away.

I have learned that it is so hard knowing that you have so many friends so far away. I have friends from the UK, to Maryland, to Pennsylvania, to Texas, to Missouri. That feeling of just wanting to go over to their house and just give them a hug, to not only re-assure them but to re-assure me never goes away. Connecting through my game of choice EQ2, it has made things even more difficult, because they are those who live far away.

In short, I am taking one day at a time, and just planning my future. Looking for the day in November where I can come home to someone to hug and kiss. To having a conversation at night before I close my eyes and feeling them against me, my safety. It will be sublime bliss... even if it is for two weeks.

Week two- Learning the Bus Route.

It's been two weeks in the apartment. All I can say, it is definitely a change. I went from having 2 other people in the house, to just little old me. There has been a lot of trial and error, and a lot of learning experiences.

Because the car fell through, and it wasn't something I could afford for the next Six months I decided (with help of course) to start riding the bus. It is great because Seattle has a wonderful Bus system. However, It required my schedule to be changed... a little. I used to be in work by 5am, getting out about 1:30pm. It was great because I could take the car and just be there and back only traffic at home holding me back. Also allowed the ex to take the car for his own errands.

When I told my manager I was moving out on my own, she said that she can work magic and boy did she ever. The first week I was driven, to allow me to get myself settled and ready to move on. I found the route and said the earliest I could get in was 7am. She waved her magic wand and the powers that be said "You shall be granted this schedule"

I never took this route, and routes were going to change as it was the seasonal change. That Monday, I showed up to work a half hour late. All because one bus broke down. I HATE being late. But that aside, after that moment I worked my own bus knowledge and was able to finagle a route that gets me there about 45 mins early! I love being bus savvy. Maybe I will have to work the same magic for when I move to Saint Louis, Missouri.

Either way, learning to survive on my own... it has been difficult but in some ways fun. Learning that I have a (to me) huge hill that I have to climb every night on the way home. Choosing my way home, and picking the right route to get me to the grocery store, (that was a very long day). Even finding the best way to move with the lovely Bus Pass I got for myself.

Being the Sunday before our Week Three if I can make this month, I have no worry about the rest of the 5 months. Many blessings to all those read...