Friends Indeed

So yesterday and the day before I decided to update a few friends on the current situation. Their response was none to surprising. "How do you feel about that?" "Is that really going to solve anything?" "Do you really love him?" All very good questions in my book.

I told them the same I tell everyone, what I told the spouse in the first place, "I can't tell you I love you any more.", "I have a plane ticket with my name on it right now, I can just leave at any point" "The only thing keeping me here is responsibility."

It also did not surprise me when they told me that if I am unhappy, then just leave. You have nothing keeping you there. You have the option to just pick up your stuff and just go out the door. But to they really know how hard that is to just pick up and leave, when you know you have more than just one person depending on you?

I have two I support, and I don't have a job in Missouri, I don't have the ability to keep sending them the money to pay rent, plus I am on the lease. Okay sure, the lease ends in March, but still I can't afford to move.

My friends observation, "I foresee you staying" I don't know what I want why is it so frackin hard to make a single decision. WHY?!?

A new year a new me?

I guess for the longest time I have been living a lie. A lie that you can't get away from, yourself. I have struggled for many a months, years, days and nights to find myself. I ask the question often to myself and to others, who am I ? What makes me well me? You never thought that by not being alone for a few weeks, years is important in finding your identity.

This new year, I plan on finding myself, what I want, what I need as a person. I can say right now, what I want in life, is to be happy. Be it poly, or be it leaving my current life to find something more fulfilling I just want to be happy. I am tired of having friends ask me in game, "are you okay?" As if something isn't right. Well they are intuitive and they know that there is something wrong.

Plans for the year 2011, make my final decision, start to better myself health wise, find out who I am , spiritually and personally, and lastly be happy. I have a lot to look forward to, building a new relationship, trying to repair what I have, and the possibility to move to a new state.

Here is to a new year of positive changes, and discovery.