Bumps, and Lumps; Ups and Downs

After a week of focusing on one... we find out that it is not meant to be. I believe that if you work at it and you still do not get what you are reaching for, it was not meant to be. You can't help but plan what it will like if you achieved your goal, and have your heart set on just one. However, when you are shot down not once but twice, it is just heart breaking.

This goes for just about everything I have learned. A job, a house, a life, and a material item, all the same in many ways. If you do not put forth the energy then it does not get accomplished. Mind you, we both right now are running out of steam, and fuel. Our daily energy is that of a barely making it feeling. I know that I am barely surviving knowing and breathing that there is a light at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel. I sometimes wonder how he feels.

I had said once before that a long distance relationship is not for the weak of heart. Each day since I last saw him, it gets harder. I sometimes wonder if I am going forward because of my own drive or for that of another. Terrified of change, Tired from the lack of restful sleep, and just worried that something is going to go wrong. My everyday has become that last sprint. Planning, preparing, packing, and existing.

This week we may have already lost what could have been a wonderful thing. Then I ask, was it meant to be? Was it just another step to something bigger, better or just what we need. I am not about living beyond my means, or proving that I have something that you don't. I want to be comfortable. I want to come home to my mate, whom welcomes me with open arms and kisses. A cold empty house is not the life for me.

I proved to myself that I could survive, and live on my own. Something that I had never done before. It is quite an accomplishment. I however, wish I could do more. I need to re-charge.. no WE need to re-charge. We need to put our feet on the ground and take a look at the time keeper and get ready. I may be out of shape but damn it we will make that finish line. We will be out of breath, tired but I believe that after we get through these hurdles. We can make anything happen.

I submitted my resume, and we will continue our search. The one thing that we need to keep in mind... Anything is possible. This is the time where we pick each other up and encourage that this finish line isn't far away. We will make a home wherever the fates believe we should be.

Stress, snow, and scams

This week has started out less than prefect. Lately I have been worrying about things that have been out of my control.

I have issue with perfection. I am a self proclaimed perfectionist. I will do everything in my power to ensure that I will accomplish a task in a timely manner. We have been short staffed at work. With a ton of new customers each week we have been struggling to keep up.

My own policy is to ensure that every one of my tickets are touched. But when you are thrown more and not allow me to assess the situation I become overwhelmed and stressed out. I am nearly always stressed out, just by nature. If I am overwhelmed I can't cope as well. I have learned over time to breathe, but there are still moments.

Spring is coming! Not only are there flowers blooming but there is snow falling. The past three days we have had snow. Not the amounts that we had in january, but enough to make people freak out. We even had one of my favorite type of storm. A wind storm. A kept thinking about my boyfriend, being cuddled letting the wind take us. I really hope Saint Louis has the same, and not involving tornados.

Lastly, we have been searching for houses to rent. We have been using a wonderful website called "Pad Mapper". It helps you find places that you could rent or buy. We are not in the market to buy a house. We want to retire in Seattle, in our home; not Saint Louis. So we started our search. It has been an interesting search to start.

The first house we sent a response to, looked wonderful. A few blocks from work, and businesses. Exactly what we were looking for. He sent a response, and we waited. We heard nothing for a week or so.
Last night we were up late doing some housing searches. We came across the same house again, and suggested that he look for the response in his junk folder. Well thinking Google was over doing the spam protection again we found it there.

We were a little concerned with the opening of the response and a conflict of religious views. However, he dove by the house. It looked legit, so we responded. They wanted some normal information, who are you, when you born, who will be in the house, pets, cars, occupation, previous residence, why you leaving, ect. We apologized for the delay and I can only assume he did some research.

Next thing I know I am recieving an email saying that this is all a scam. Well fuck me with a stick. Something that would have been a dream place to rent gone in just a few seconds. He continued to search and found more. So much so he sent one to me with a response that made me giggle. "Hey honey, they are doing Doctors without borders. We should watch their house for them."

It is sad that in a single moment I went from hopeful to frustated to just another wasted moment. If I have learned anything it has been two things. First, don't stress over things you don't have control over. And second, if it is too good to be true, it probably is. I guess it's back to the drawing board... On the bright side, I have the vet and dr appointment set. This isn't washed yet.... gotta keep my head up.

Missing You; Skype to the Rescue?

Another rough week has been had for both of us. The stress of not seeing each other is really taking it's toll. It goes right back down to the little things. That lovely kiss, that want to come snuggle your love, the need to be there to help make them feel better when they are not feeling well. It also is the stress of our jobs, and this planning of not only my move but "Our" move.

Every day it adds to the stress and desire to no longer be homesick. I have deemed this feeling we have, this missing you and need you here right now feeling to be called "Lovie-Sick". Homesick to the next level? It's not going to be the next "new" word in Webster's Dictionary, but it means something to the pair of us.

I can tell you that there are moments where you are like, "I should enjoy this alone time now, because I won't get as much later." but really right now, I want... no ... he wants.... no... WE Both need that physical touch. That small kiss from time to time, that simple caress on your cheek. I am not even mentioning the sex. Because really it isn't all about that... It really is all about just the intimate, up close and loving moments.

It has been nearly 2 months since I was last in his arms. I miss that feeling. I won't deny that I kinda wish I could just fly out spend a weekend, or maybe a little longer and only come back because I have to sign papers. But I am responsible, I want to be in the state for those papers. There are nights that I often wonder if it is my fault, that I didn't do this sooner. But that is another topic for another day.

He was "Lovie-Sick" and I knew that proverbial bug was trying to bite me too. I remembered when his then Two year old, now three year old was getting Home sick while we were at his brother's house. He thought it a wonderful idea to Skype and talk to their Mom, and her boyfriend. She felt better, and it helped ease the time apart.

I figure if Lovie-Sick was the same or similar to homesick the same treatment would help. I mean it is a Logical step yes? Mind you we Skype and we talk all the time, there are many occasions where we talk until we fall asleep. (I really enjoy those nights, it makes me feel very close to him, even though he is over 2k miles away) But lately we have not been Skyping with video, because most of the time, it is bed time ( and lights are evil).

He liked the idea and we spent a few moments just chatting, and smiling. Even blowing silly lovie kisses, things you just can't do over a voice channel. I was eating dinner, and he doing some laundry. Mundane things but still a moment that can't be forgotten so quickly.

Yesterday we spoke to a few friends whom are trying the Long Distance route to find a loved one. The one thing that we tell them, it is hard... very, very, very hard. It is a lot about communication, love, and finding those simple moments to do the little things like Video chat. Today's technology has brought a lot of people together, and with a video chat, and clients that support this, can make it easier. But you can't keep substituting internet and virtual kisses for real ones. It is much better to be in their arms. But at least it can help.

Today, Skype helped a little to ease the pain of my loved one being so far away. I just have to keep counting the days. They will come in very short order.