Another crazy week, but I know they will continue to come hot and fast. Each with it's own challenges. As we still pack and move things into storage and get everything handled.
Although, one of my treats this week was Weird Al. My Friend Pat was going to take me to the Puyallup Fair this year, (it will most likely be one of my last) and go to see him in concert. It was my very first concert, ever. I will say this will not be my last concert. He was amazing, unlike some artists, almost every song was a costume change.
I still haven't heard on the studio yet, I have been waiting. They said that the problem is that we are waiting on the housing part of the background check to come back. She called the last few days and gave me the number to the Landlord Protection Services. I called them and inquired what the hell was going on... It is nearly the end of the Month! I couldn't wait any longer. Their response was that they were waiting for the current apartment complex. They hadn't responded yet!
I ... Was... Pissed... I could not believe that nearly a business WEEK.. and they hadn't replied. I thanked the lady and stated that I would speak to them immediately. I drove home, as I was currently at the storage unit unloading some of my belongings, and promptly stopped at the office.
I will say I am very civil when it comes to how things are handled, but I lose my tact. I walked in and said that I have a very urgent issue that I needed this person to complete. She informed me that she was only there to take questions, and that she was a temp. My response to her was that she was just a pretty face, and that I understood.. but I need you to contact whomever can call this Landlord Protection Services to give them the all clear.
Within a matter of minutes it was completed. I can only hope that everything was just done. and I will hear from them soon... Or I will have to find a couch..
So regardless of my FTA policy, I had an okay week.... Next week.. moving week (I hope)! Wish me luck
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Reflection: September 11, 2001
Today is the day ten years ago that changed the United States forever. And I remember it as best I do the things that hurt me.
I was just on my way into my Senior year of High school when the first tower fell. I had PE... I didn't even hear anything about it during that class. I had finished that class, and gone to my Current Events class. I walked into the door and saw the TV on for the first time that day.
It was chaos... it seemed like the entire room just froze. I had watched the second fall, from the television, not knowing what to think or to feel. It was devistating... to hear, to see to just feel.
A little known fact about me, I don't tell many often but I am an Empath. I will take a photo, or a person close to me, and feel the feelings that are there. I am effected by very emotional things. The tv never turned off that day... Every class that had a TV it was on, even just softly in the background. I felt that pain, I felt that horror, I could not stop being effected by it.
I watched that day for about 12-14 hours, the horror, the pain, the shock, the power that came from that moment. To see it fall over and over again.. it was not the best int he world. I only watched this for so long because I didn't have anything else to watch that day... as this had impacted the entire country.
Believe me when I say I will never forget... and Truly hope that you will not either. A lot of innocent died, but then not nearly as much as there could have been. Quite a few people called out sick that day. I just hope that something like this never happens again in my life time. Because I don't think I could handle another 12-14 hour exposure to that much pain.
Blessed be to those whom were effected.
I was just on my way into my Senior year of High school when the first tower fell. I had PE... I didn't even hear anything about it during that class. I had finished that class, and gone to my Current Events class. I walked into the door and saw the TV on for the first time that day.
It was chaos... it seemed like the entire room just froze. I had watched the second fall, from the television, not knowing what to think or to feel. It was devistating... to hear, to see to just feel.
A little known fact about me, I don't tell many often but I am an Empath. I will take a photo, or a person close to me, and feel the feelings that are there. I am effected by very emotional things. The tv never turned off that day... Every class that had a TV it was on, even just softly in the background. I felt that pain, I felt that horror, I could not stop being effected by it.
I watched that day for about 12-14 hours, the horror, the pain, the shock, the power that came from that moment. To see it fall over and over again.. it was not the best int he world. I only watched this for so long because I didn't have anything else to watch that day... as this had impacted the entire country.
Believe me when I say I will never forget... and Truly hope that you will not either. A lot of innocent died, but then not nearly as much as there could have been. Quite a few people called out sick that day. I just hope that something like this never happens again in my life time. Because I don't think I could handle another 12-14 hour exposure to that much pain.
Blessed be to those whom were effected.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Denied, Accepted, Holding Breath...
This week has been one of the most up and down weeks so far in this whole ordeal. I suppose lets start out at the beginning of the week. I wrote a post in haste... and it may never see the light of day. I found out on Tuesday that my first apartment application was denied.
I will not lie... I felt defeated ... Like a train has hit me full force and had kept on going. It wasn't every day that you were denied for something this life impacting. But I was, just devistated... I sat on the floor in my bedroom, crying for hours.
I will admit that I had no hope at that point, but after talking to an EQ2 friend, and to the boyfriend... I felt like there was hope. I knew that there was going to be bumps in the road. That there was something for me out there. I just knew that this was a test of my resolve. I knew that I had to find out why... and I sent in a fax stating I wanted to know why... but it would take 3-4 days.
I looked around and pulled up some apartment complexes and found one that would suit my needs. I went out the next day and looked at it. This place was old, and you could tell. The doors were hard to open and close. The upstairs walkway looked like it had seen better days. The neighborhood, didn't look as good.. but it had great views.
I said I need to apply for something... and so I did. I took the application home, filled it out and came back the very next day. I had asked how much it would be to move in.... It was about $1045. That for me is a lot of money. Especially when you live paycheck to paycheck. I applied anyways. 24 hours later, I called... She said she didn't know but she would check her email.
I held my breath... to find out that I was accepted.. however there was a catch. I had to pay about $150 more for a deposit. I was just shocked.. but understood. I just didn't know WHERE I was going to find the money.
Then I looked at the denial... and the reason why... I was a newb. I should have waited for myself to actually PAY rent before applying to a new apartment. So I called the first place back, and plead my case. She was going to talk to the people who denied me, (credit check peoples) and get the landlord part revised... then email her boss.
Now I still have two places... one I could spend nearly everything I make just to get in the door... or.. I hold my breath for the first place. I have to admit I am scared... but I need to hold my breath. I will be much happier with the first place then the second. The quality of living is better... even if it is just for 6 months.
Though I did get a storage unit for my belongings... Thanks to my mum. So at least my things are going out of the house. So here is to the power of prayer... I just hope I get the first place.
I will not lie... I felt defeated ... Like a train has hit me full force and had kept on going. It wasn't every day that you were denied for something this life impacting. But I was, just devistated... I sat on the floor in my bedroom, crying for hours.
I will admit that I had no hope at that point, but after talking to an EQ2 friend, and to the boyfriend... I felt like there was hope. I knew that there was going to be bumps in the road. That there was something for me out there. I just knew that this was a test of my resolve. I knew that I had to find out why... and I sent in a fax stating I wanted to know why... but it would take 3-4 days.
I looked around and pulled up some apartment complexes and found one that would suit my needs. I went out the next day and looked at it. This place was old, and you could tell. The doors were hard to open and close. The upstairs walkway looked like it had seen better days. The neighborhood, didn't look as good.. but it had great views.
I said I need to apply for something... and so I did. I took the application home, filled it out and came back the very next day. I had asked how much it would be to move in.... It was about $1045. That for me is a lot of money. Especially when you live paycheck to paycheck. I applied anyways. 24 hours later, I called... She said she didn't know but she would check her email.
I held my breath... to find out that I was accepted.. however there was a catch. I had to pay about $150 more for a deposit. I was just shocked.. but understood. I just didn't know WHERE I was going to find the money.
Then I looked at the denial... and the reason why... I was a newb. I should have waited for myself to actually PAY rent before applying to a new apartment. So I called the first place back, and plead my case. She was going to talk to the people who denied me, (credit check peoples) and get the landlord part revised... then email her boss.
Now I still have two places... one I could spend nearly everything I make just to get in the door... or.. I hold my breath for the first place. I have to admit I am scared... but I need to hold my breath. I will be much happier with the first place then the second. The quality of living is better... even if it is just for 6 months.
Though I did get a storage unit for my belongings... Thanks to my mum. So at least my things are going out of the house. So here is to the power of prayer... I just hope I get the first place.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Waiting Games
I turned in my application on Wednesday for my new apartment. She said it will be about 24 hours to 72 hours before it comes back. I HATE this wait, because everything is on this one application. And did I ever say that I test horrible? (not the same sort of test.. but still the worry is there)
Many tell me that I have nothing to worry about. But I do .... I should distract myself by packing. The one thing that I am dreading the most. I have no room to pack with. Clearly not enough boxes to pack with and surely not enough time! But on the bright side, come this week I will have space. Guaranteed space! Mom's are awesome because of that. I already was told ONCE that it was going to be a struggle. My plan packing 3-4 times a week for a few hours, and only worry about my OWN stuff. Because it is just me and my cat now.
However, as Washington state law says we have to give 20 days notice to vacate, we signed the intent to leave and turned in! This is such a relief and a wonderful feeling. To know that it is official, and to know that you can't turn back now. You signed a paper that says, "I am leaving". I am just glad that one piece of the puzzle as fallen into place. Now for the rest to fall in line.
So much change but so much waiting... I suppose the phrase is true "Good things come to those who wait." Now for the waits
Many tell me that I have nothing to worry about. But I do .... I should distract myself by packing. The one thing that I am dreading the most. I have no room to pack with. Clearly not enough boxes to pack with and surely not enough time! But on the bright side, come this week I will have space. Guaranteed space! Mom's are awesome because of that. I already was told ONCE that it was going to be a struggle. My plan packing 3-4 times a week for a few hours, and only worry about my OWN stuff. Because it is just me and my cat now.
However, as Washington state law says we have to give 20 days notice to vacate, we signed the intent to leave and turned in! This is such a relief and a wonderful feeling. To know that it is official, and to know that you can't turn back now. You signed a paper that says, "I am leaving". I am just glad that one piece of the puzzle as fallen into place. Now for the rest to fall in line.
So much change but so much waiting... I suppose the phrase is true "Good things come to those who wait." Now for the waits
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Of Video Games, Cupcakes and Free Stuff
Video Games, I love them and enjoy spending my time playing. This is my way to de-stress, and speak to not only my loved one, but my support network. But when things like major updates get pushed through that break things, I get frustrated.
We just had a major update last Thursday in EverQuest 2 (EQ2) and well lets just say we as a community have not been happy. Everything from Hats that are marked as Footwear, and Cloaks that are marked as pants to being Locked out of guild halls it is just a huge mess. I have been bearing with the constant AA respecs, and guild hall bugs. I seriously hope that come expansion day in November it will all be fixed, and the expansion itself is not laced with as my loved one says, "Show-Stopping" bugs like the guild hall bug.
That games aside I have decided that you know I can't just dwell but they need to know. Regardless I over the weekend had the great urge to bake. I have always had to stifle my urges to bake during the summer, because of heat issues and the now ex. Also depression had kicked in over drive and just have not felt the urge to.
But this last weekend I just said you know what Fuck it, I am gonna bake. And I did.. a full batch of Chocolate cupcakes, and some homemade frosting. I mean the cupcakes didn't turn out, as my KitchenAid has been broken, but I still did my best and made them. I also dislike store bought frosting and always make my own. A little milk and some sugar and vanilla, Voila frosting!
However, this cupcake story has a crappy ending as I was told that "because the frosting was made with milk it had spoiled when I left them out over the night". To that I said you know what, to be brutally honest, my recipe stated nothing of the sort. But if you feel the need to toss them fine. They proceeded to then do some research, and I had thrown them out for their non word of being spoiled. They had asked a friend whom doesn't have a lot of experience but I suppose they trusted her more then I and she said they are fine.
Fifteen Minutes after they were in the trash they tell me such. I decided until Moving day is complete, I will not bake in this house. At all. I am tired of such assumptions that I don't know what I am doing. I want to be a baker, and I know about something. I am never afraid to admit I am wrong but, seriously. I could be over-reacting but to finally be wanting to make something, and to have it be said oh.. it is spoiled because you didn't put them away. Just done.
As you all know I am moving and will have very little to take with me. I was worrying about where I was going to sleep, be it the floor or a borrowed Air bed that my brother would lend me. My high school friend said "Hey come over here this weekend and meet your new apartment. The person in your new apartment is having a house sale. Most of it is free!" I said hey why not lets go, I have maybe $20 to spend lets see what we can find. I had bought a Bed, Microwave and Microwave stand for $15.00 that day. She also said she was leaving a plant outside for me to!
I heard word from the same friend today, the one whom has referred me to the apartments; He said that the previous tenant left me more things for my move in. A Vacuum and a light! This makes me so very happy because it was not more than a few days ago I was telling my loved one that I was not going to not have one in my new place. (I have lived far too long with out one)
I can't thank this person enough; It is nice to to be receiving things when I am in a small need of a light that isn't an oncoming train. I will have to remember when I move again to pay it forward for the next person. It is moments like today that make me realize that even through all the frustrations, there is someone whom can make you smile.
We just had a major update last Thursday in EverQuest 2 (EQ2) and well lets just say we as a community have not been happy. Everything from Hats that are marked as Footwear, and Cloaks that are marked as pants to being Locked out of guild halls it is just a huge mess. I have been bearing with the constant AA respecs, and guild hall bugs. I seriously hope that come expansion day in November it will all be fixed, and the expansion itself is not laced with as my loved one says, "Show-Stopping" bugs like the guild hall bug.
That games aside I have decided that you know I can't just dwell but they need to know. Regardless I over the weekend had the great urge to bake. I have always had to stifle my urges to bake during the summer, because of heat issues and the now ex. Also depression had kicked in over drive and just have not felt the urge to.
But this last weekend I just said you know what Fuck it, I am gonna bake. And I did.. a full batch of Chocolate cupcakes, and some homemade frosting. I mean the cupcakes didn't turn out, as my KitchenAid has been broken, but I still did my best and made them. I also dislike store bought frosting and always make my own. A little milk and some sugar and vanilla, Voila frosting!
However, this cupcake story has a crappy ending as I was told that "because the frosting was made with milk it had spoiled when I left them out over the night". To that I said you know what, to be brutally honest, my recipe stated nothing of the sort. But if you feel the need to toss them fine. They proceeded to then do some research, and I had thrown them out for their non word of being spoiled. They had asked a friend whom doesn't have a lot of experience but I suppose they trusted her more then I and she said they are fine.
Fifteen Minutes after they were in the trash they tell me such. I decided until Moving day is complete, I will not bake in this house. At all. I am tired of such assumptions that I don't know what I am doing. I want to be a baker, and I know about something. I am never afraid to admit I am wrong but, seriously. I could be over-reacting but to finally be wanting to make something, and to have it be said oh.. it is spoiled because you didn't put them away. Just done.
As you all know I am moving and will have very little to take with me. I was worrying about where I was going to sleep, be it the floor or a borrowed Air bed that my brother would lend me. My high school friend said "Hey come over here this weekend and meet your new apartment. The person in your new apartment is having a house sale. Most of it is free!" I said hey why not lets go, I have maybe $20 to spend lets see what we can find. I had bought a Bed, Microwave and Microwave stand for $15.00 that day. She also said she was leaving a plant outside for me to!
I heard word from the same friend today, the one whom has referred me to the apartments; He said that the previous tenant left me more things for my move in. A Vacuum and a light! This makes me so very happy because it was not more than a few days ago I was telling my loved one that I was not going to not have one in my new place. (I have lived far too long with out one)
I can't thank this person enough; It is nice to to be receiving things when I am in a small need of a light that isn't an oncoming train. I will have to remember when I move again to pay it forward for the next person. It is moments like today that make me realize that even through all the frustrations, there is someone whom can make you smile.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Worries, and Realizations
Well another week down and only a few more days before the application goes into the new apartment. I am kinda scared but ready. It is very scary putting all of your eggs in one basket as I have. But I have faith that the Goddess will provide for me.
I look at my house right now, and just think that there is so much to still to do in the way of packing. I have a lot of things to move around, and no where to put it. I have for the past 3 years at least, have not had a "clean" house, with boxes everywhere. I am just ready to get this party started and purge a lot. Two waves of purging, lets rock!
Although, Yesterday I had a realization after reading a twitter message that asked: "Have you hugged someone today?" I had not hugged anyone in a few weeks. The last hug I got was from a friend whom has helped me find the place I am going to. This... this is new to me.
I am not used to not getting the loving touch every day. The hug, the kiss, the gentle caress that having someone that cares for you around gives you. I spoke to my special someone last night, and the conversation was genuine and I understood it. It is going to be hard, but I have to thrive for tomorrow.
It may not be easy but it is doable. The one thing I must have is patience, and know that it will end soon and it will be a lot easier when I am not so far away. But still my question is does the pain of not having someone not close by to just comfort you in times of need really go away? Does this want to be in someone's lap ever die when after so long you wish for it to be so?
I really do hope that after all is said and done... it gets just a little easier. I don't want to be dead, or emotionless, but I don't want to hurt. I just know that my cell phone, EQ2, G-chat, and Skype will help me get through the hard parts. I have faith that everything will work out it has to.
I look at my house right now, and just think that there is so much to still to do in the way of packing. I have a lot of things to move around, and no where to put it. I have for the past 3 years at least, have not had a "clean" house, with boxes everywhere. I am just ready to get this party started and purge a lot. Two waves of purging, lets rock!
Although, Yesterday I had a realization after reading a twitter message that asked: "Have you hugged someone today?" I had not hugged anyone in a few weeks. The last hug I got was from a friend whom has helped me find the place I am going to. This... this is new to me.
I am not used to not getting the loving touch every day. The hug, the kiss, the gentle caress that having someone that cares for you around gives you. I spoke to my special someone last night, and the conversation was genuine and I understood it. It is going to be hard, but I have to thrive for tomorrow.
It may not be easy but it is doable. The one thing I must have is patience, and know that it will end soon and it will be a lot easier when I am not so far away. But still my question is does the pain of not having someone not close by to just comfort you in times of need really go away? Does this want to be in someone's lap ever die when after so long you wish for it to be so?
I really do hope that after all is said and done... it gets just a little easier. I don't want to be dead, or emotionless, but I don't want to hurt. I just know that my cell phone, EQ2, G-chat, and Skype will help me get through the hard parts. I have faith that everything will work out it has to.
Friday, August 19, 2011
A new direction
I have to admit that the last few months have been nothing but reflection, understanding and action There is a lot that has gone on since my last post. I suppose I should catch you up.
January, I said that I had a plane ticket. I did, I went to see a good friend who has become something more to me. I told the spouse that I was going to live in Missouri for two weeks come April. There was nothing stopping me I was going, I needed a break and I needed to see someone whom I knew I cared for deeply.
The lease came up in March just like I had stated before, I couldn't afford to leave then because I was still unsure. I still didn't know if this was the right thing to do. I had to get out and think, feel my options and really know how it is to live for awhile. I signed another 6 month lease.
The days quickly counted down, the question came up many times, "Are you coming back?" What did they mean, I was pulling away. How can you not think I was, I was hurt, and neglected. Regardless, April came and I was on a plane to Missouri. Just me. Two weeks of me, him, his two beautiful kids and his ex's family. It was definitely a change of pace.
We saw a few sites, played a little of my online game EverQuest 2, and even had a few wonderful dates. Learned that even though I have lived in Washington my entire life, the two weeks in Missouri made me feel at home. I met a lot of people in Saint Louis, a lot of his friends; all welcoming and inviting. Even celebrated Easter together. As those two weeks flew past, I got compliments from my online friends, that you seem relaxed, and "your old self again" comments. I questioned, "Was I not "me" back at home?"
I regretfully flew back home three days after the Good Friday Tornado hit the Airport. (We think it was a sign saying I should have stayed.) I could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking, why am I not here. I was happy, I was alive again. I then thought of the time I spend at home, every day my routine: Wake up, go to work, come home, Play EQ2 and go to bed. That's it every day, and I just feel like I have been trapped.
I got home, that night and my spouse had asked me how my trip was. I was short and stated that I had fun. It was that night I made my soft decision, I needed out. I was tired of being tied down, supporting two people. One of which in his own right should be at least helping in so many ways, and being able to just not let me be the only one being able to pay rent every month.
I was kept up until "Oh gods" late and then was to be to work the next morning at 5 am. It was a few more days after that, that the decision became my "Final answer". I told him I couldn't do this. I cared for him, but I can't say that "I love you" anymore.
I have tried to fix the issues we have, I have tried to help you find a job that you just can't seem to find. And to be honest, he couldn't please me the way that I needed or was used to. I was always taking what my mother has always taught me, "Some day it will get better" But it has been 10 years, and sadly it never got better. It was the same, it was me supporting him and a family member. It was me ensuring that he remembered things, it was always late bills, and threats of disconnections.
I was tired of it. I told him that once this lease was up, I was moving out. On my own. To learn about ME. To learn that I can take care of myself, and make ME a better person. I will give you a legal separation for 6 months, and we will take it from there. I am not optimistic of his change. And even if he does change, I just don't think it will be enough. I think that this experience has made me realize that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me, and have someone to share those moments with.
It is difficult now being August and tomorrow being about 30 days until I am signing a new lease on my own studio apartment. The guilt I feel, the support I am getting, and the stress that everything will be okay; it is daunting, absolutely daunting.
My new direction has a lot more to go, but I do know that I will make it. And even better, I have a plan to make it happen. I will be living life for me not for anyone else. I just hope that a special someone will share that with me.
January, I said that I had a plane ticket. I did, I went to see a good friend who has become something more to me. I told the spouse that I was going to live in Missouri for two weeks come April. There was nothing stopping me I was going, I needed a break and I needed to see someone whom I knew I cared for deeply.
The lease came up in March just like I had stated before, I couldn't afford to leave then because I was still unsure. I still didn't know if this was the right thing to do. I had to get out and think, feel my options and really know how it is to live for awhile. I signed another 6 month lease.
The days quickly counted down, the question came up many times, "Are you coming back?" What did they mean, I was pulling away. How can you not think I was, I was hurt, and neglected. Regardless, April came and I was on a plane to Missouri. Just me. Two weeks of me, him, his two beautiful kids and his ex's family. It was definitely a change of pace.
We saw a few sites, played a little of my online game EverQuest 2, and even had a few wonderful dates. Learned that even though I have lived in Washington my entire life, the two weeks in Missouri made me feel at home. I met a lot of people in Saint Louis, a lot of his friends; all welcoming and inviting. Even celebrated Easter together. As those two weeks flew past, I got compliments from my online friends, that you seem relaxed, and "your old self again" comments. I questioned, "Was I not "me" back at home?"
I regretfully flew back home three days after the Good Friday Tornado hit the Airport. (We think it was a sign saying I should have stayed.) I could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking, why am I not here. I was happy, I was alive again. I then thought of the time I spend at home, every day my routine: Wake up, go to work, come home, Play EQ2 and go to bed. That's it every day, and I just feel like I have been trapped.
I got home, that night and my spouse had asked me how my trip was. I was short and stated that I had fun. It was that night I made my soft decision, I needed out. I was tired of being tied down, supporting two people. One of which in his own right should be at least helping in so many ways, and being able to just not let me be the only one being able to pay rent every month.
I was kept up until "Oh gods" late and then was to be to work the next morning at 5 am. It was a few more days after that, that the decision became my "Final answer". I told him I couldn't do this. I cared for him, but I can't say that "I love you" anymore.
I have tried to fix the issues we have, I have tried to help you find a job that you just can't seem to find. And to be honest, he couldn't please me the way that I needed or was used to. I was always taking what my mother has always taught me, "Some day it will get better" But it has been 10 years, and sadly it never got better. It was the same, it was me supporting him and a family member. It was me ensuring that he remembered things, it was always late bills, and threats of disconnections.
I was tired of it. I told him that once this lease was up, I was moving out. On my own. To learn about ME. To learn that I can take care of myself, and make ME a better person. I will give you a legal separation for 6 months, and we will take it from there. I am not optimistic of his change. And even if he does change, I just don't think it will be enough. I think that this experience has made me realize that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me, and have someone to share those moments with.
It is difficult now being August and tomorrow being about 30 days until I am signing a new lease on my own studio apartment. The guilt I feel, the support I am getting, and the stress that everything will be okay; it is daunting, absolutely daunting.
My new direction has a lot more to go, but I do know that I will make it. And even better, I have a plan to make it happen. I will be living life for me not for anyone else. I just hope that a special someone will share that with me.
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